irresponsibilities and hobbies

i swore to myself that i wouldn't return to blogging until this sunday, but i really fucking had to. i'm sorry. i've been dead on the blogging end of things for months now, largely because i was dissatisfied with the previous site i was blogging on, and in part because i have been constructing miseraria for nearly three months now. i didn't want to put up a half-assed lacklustre site just to get my rambly shit out there, i wanted to do it right.

and here i am.

i don't know where to begin, really, as this week has been fucking me up quite severely. reNEET's tomorrow, the paper's already leaked despite the NTA saying that they got the fucking army and airforce to ensure safety protocols were taken, and the government is doing fuckall to stop it. they pretend like everything is fine, but its really fucking not. the paper's are on youtube, i fucking saw it. it's fucked. someone should hang the education minister. it's shit. most of you hypothetical readers are not Indian so i doubt yall get just how fucked the situation is but i aint fucking explaining. go do some research. google it. visit a reddit forum, i'm serious. form your own opinions.

and look, honestly i'm not even mad about it. no i am, i am fuckign PISSED AT HOW UNFAIR THE EDUCATION SYSTEM IS TO US BUT NO ONE FUCKING SAYS ANYTHING AND EVERYONE IS CONTENT TO BE ANOTHER FUCKING COG IN THIS SHITTY FUCKING MACHINE AND ITS LITERALLY FUCKI sorry its fucking hopeless haha.

i just want to take some time out today to be honest with myself and reflect, really, on how i feel. this is a bad place to do it considering its public property and anyone can do fuckall they want with my work, but i believe in internet anonymity, and considering that i have like five mutuals on here, this is pretty much me screaming into the fucking void.

i. i actually had a good long cry about this a couple hours earlier so i dont have a lot of fuel in me now. fuck i should have done this when i was still raving mad. im just generally pissed at life right now, and everything it hopes to contain. i think i might be seriously depressed. and it's not just NEET, but its also my parents contributing to it because dont you fucking love it when they pretend like they're the victims and blame their child for fucking everything that they feel. i dont fucking want to make this about my parental issues but fuck if that isnt the biggest thing weighing on my mind right now.

im not scared of failing, or disappointing my parents, or being "left behind" while my friends and peers "move on to better things ahead" because not everyone wants to fucking be part of medical shit and IF YOU COULD NAME ME A SINGLE STUDENT WHO IS SERIOUSLY PURSUING NEET, NONE OF THEM HAVE THEIR SHIT FIGURED OUT IN OTHER FIELDS BECAUSE THEY'RE PURSUING FUCKING MEDICINE.

im fucking sick and tired of being fucking bera FUCKING HELL WHY AMI SWEARING SO MUCH but i dont care so. im fucking tired of being berated by my parents for not having an admission in a college yet BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK WOULD I HAVE AN ADMISSION WHEN MY ENTRACE EXAM IS FUCKING TOMORROW AND NO COLLEGE WILL JUST GIVE YOU A SEAT UNTIL YOU GET THE FUCKING RANK???? disfhufhghdffn im just. i have not been suicidial in almost two years, but i am fucking feeling it now.

this post is so fucking meaningless because all im doing is fucking crying about my miserable (heh) fucking life, but its fucking. i hate it. i hate how my online "freedom" will be restricted even further after this because i will no longer have a valid excuse to use MY OWN FUCKING LAPTOP BECAUSE THERE'S NO USE OF A LAPTOP IF IM NOT STUDYING APPARENTLY. i just fucking love brown parent logic hahahah:3 i wanted to start doing web-design and coding full-time after tomorrow, learning shit and actually making things, but it's just looking so bleak now. i won't be able to do the things i love without getting fucking berated for it. i dont want to be berated for doing something i love, even if its inconsequential. its called a hobby, and its actually really beneficial for a lot of people to get into.

normies may have basic ass hobbies like gossiping, spending hundreds or thousands of rupees on hangouts with their friends, or dating people rapidly to get through their checklist, but i aint a fucking normie. maybe my hobbies involve formulating a family tree of every character and individual from Greek mythology. maybe my hobbies involve making songs in Japanese simply because i love vocaloid and i want to be a closer part of its culture. maybe my hobbies will give me no "useful" skill like i dont fucking know, Excel???? or idk whatever slop corporate execs look for as a hobby in their slaves. maybe i dont fucking bake and earn a side inCOME BECASUSE I DONT FUCKING KNOW HOW TO BAKE AND MAYBE I JUST FUCKING HATE EXERCISING BECAUSE IM HAPPY WITH THE WAY MY BODY LOOKS AND I DONT CARE IF MY STOMACH'S PERCEIEVED AS FAT BUT I CANT FUCKING DO ANYTHING UNLESS IT IS SANCTIONED BY MY PARENTS AND IT IS FUCKING PISSING ME THE FUCK OFFUDSBGBFDIBIGFBID

i dont think hobbies should "contribute" to anything except one's general happiness, and it doesn't have to be considered a "good use" of one's time BECAUSE ITS A FUCKING HOBBY! WHICH PEOPLE DO TO DE-STRESS!? god i should have let mise do this shit, this fucking sucks. im just so fucking tired now that i might actually fucking kill myself.

nah, i won't, but. it just. its all so hopeless.

maybe a year into the future, if i'm still alive, i will look back on this very date and smile at my dumbassery, or my overemotional teenage ass BUT IM NOT A FUCKING PRETEEN SHIT ANYMORE, IM ALMOST AN ADULT?! and i thought this was supposed to get easier with age. it didn't. they fucking lied to me dude i fucking hate this. it hasn't got better. i've been waitinf for seven years now. worst shit ever.

20jun2026