1 - Starting New

I decided to delete a bunch of my old blog posts because half of them do not hold up too well. I've now been on Spacehey for about a year now! Since then I've gotten my septum pierced, found out a lot of things about myself, explored numerous different styles, and had some very mixed experiences... I'm going into my Junior year of High School, but I still have a little less than two months to worry about that. 

On the style(?) thing, I experimented with being scene for a long while. The thing with scene is that it's anti-fashion, in the sense that similar to gyaru it is to make a statement and go against the grain, something I found cool. However, dressing up scene takes a lot of effort, and any time I tried wearing something relatively scene, it just kinda felt off. Now, I'm sure for a fact that there are tons of cool scene dudes, girls, and in betweens- but all of my personal "scene" clothing made me feel off. A good chunk of my closet was either tight thrifted shirts and skinny ripped jeans, whilst the other half were graphic tees with baggy jeans. 

I always felt more like myself and more comfortable in baggier clothes. I did feel pretty cool in some of my more statement-y scene outfits, but I also felt semi-uncomfortable, and like I was forcing myself to be more feminine than I actually am. (I'm not saying that scene clothing is inherently gendered!! You can def be a cis, trans, or whatever sort of dude and be scene!! However it just always made me feel like I was putting on a mask as to how I actually felt.) A good chunk of my school is pretty alternative, and although there will always be at least one weirdo judging the people actively expressing themselves and having fun, I'd usually get compliments. Even though they made me feel good, it was starting to make me wish that I was dressing the way I genuinely felt like deep down and getting said compliments. 

I like thrifting online and getting graphic shirts with media or bands that I like. I like wearing baggy jeans that overlap my sneakers, and wearing thin bracelets and dog tag necklaces. It obviously isn't as (quote on quote) "alternative" as it is compared to being scene. It's a lot simpler and is a lot less effort to get ready in the morning. However, actually being alternative is your lifestyle and beliefs. Recycling clothes, helping your community, consuming minimally, and actively being against the system IS being alternative. Those clothes make me feel more comfortable in my skin.

I'm not going to go into too much detail, but I've always somewhat looked like a dude. I'm flat chested and have a strong jawline, and my Freshman year I got confused as a dude a lot by strangers. It made me feel good for some reason. But I was scared of confronting that half of myself. I would usually get "they/them"d or an occasional "he/him" from strangers, but from people who I knew in the past or who I shared classes with a lot it would typically be a "she/her". Which, I don't mind in the way that I'd go out of my way to correct someone (again since it's very personal and either way at that time I was and still am not out) but it just kinda felt abdnormal and unnatural. It felt like someone was calling me by the wrong name.

In my Freshman year I basically forced myself to crush on a guy, simply because he was nice to me. To this day I still feel awful about it. He was very sweet, but I always felt extremely awkward when being affectionate. I didn't want to imagine kissing, and even holding hands didn't feel right. I did the asshole thing and ended things over text, but explained that I was still unsure of my sexuality (and gender.) He thankfully understood and to this day I'm super grateful. 

I now have an amazing and beautiful girlfriend who accepts me.

I've known for a fact that I like girls for years now. And, in a weird way, I always wanted to be the "man" of the relationship. Which, to an average sapphic, is like one of the worst questions to get asked. The point of being wlw or lesbian is that there IS no man. Even if there's a masc in that relationship, that's still a woman! 

I am very glad for the girlhood I was given as a younger child. Seeing pictures of me dressed up as a little princess, and remembering those rubbery glittery see-through flats I used to wear... yet even then, I was exhibiting "masculine" traits. Like loving blue, playing with dinosaurs, messing around in dirt and mud, being fascinated with dragons and monsters, collecting Pokemon cards, playing sports, resonating with all the awkward male characters in the media I consumed, having a fascination with video games, etc.. Which, in my opinion, shouldn't matter! Things are overly gendered. I think that people should be perceived as who they are internally and as how they wish to express themselves. You could be the most tomboyish girl as a kid and still be straight and cis. My point is just that there were always subtilties. Because even back then, I always wondered what it would've been like if I was born a man. I've deep down always wished that I was, and it feels like a part of me is broken and can't be pieced together simply because I wasn't.

I'm still very young. But I want to be who I feel I am internally. I do often times feel dysphoric; like my body isn't my own. Yet I'm willing to take further steps to express myself how I please. I've started working out consistently, and am slowly going through my closet. I'll likely go on testosterone when I'm older, and maybe eventually get top surgery. I already do have a decently pitched voice, but I wish for it to be more deep, as well as get facial hair! I'm debating on cutting my hair or letting it grow out, since either way it's pretty shaggy. I might want even more layers to add on to.

My CURRENT stresses lie in preparing for my Junior year. Which, I know I shouldn't be stressing over already, but I have SATs and AP classes to worry about next year, as well as a college credit media class. (To explain it in simpler terms.) I'm excited but also really nervous, and I know I'm gonna be like a fish out of water and surrounded by strangers I don't really know. For a current stress, that's pretty distant worry, but still knowing that it's inevitably is freaking me out. Plus, I'm not socially out whatsoever. Genuinely nobody knows except for my girlfriend, my friend Range, and my mom, who basically told me she supports me but to "wait and quit rushing myself". Which was a little disappointing, but I can get what she's saying. Telling my dad will be a nightmare, and I'm worried that he'll be able to tell before I leave the house, but yet again that's a worry for future me.

I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I'm 16, so my only hope is to be positive.