sixth-life crisis - ᯽ 08-07-26

Class of 2013 by Mitski is blasting LOUD in my room. Music seems to be the only thing that is keeping me grounded these days. I'm not sure if it's all the philosophy lessons that have fucked up my brain chemistry, or if it's the lack of excitement in my life. But it's not like I don't want to get out of bed every morning and do something productive, but most days, it feels impossible to get up and be a person in society.

And with the lack of excitement in my life, for some reason, it compels me to live someone else's life in my brain. I subconsciously make myself feel the emotions that another person feels, because, as corny as it sounds, it makes me feel a little bit of something again.

And at this current moment in time, I literally have no one that I'm madly in love with. So the lack of that feeling makes me cling to LITERAL FICTIONAL PEOPLE. It's embarrassing and feels worse than liking a real person.

You know it's bad when I'm considering trying to shift again. Life is kinda just like... whatever. I find myself spacing out all the time and living in this made-up version of the world in my mind. It seems a lot easier than actually living this life.

But I have so many dreams. So many big dreams. Dreams that seem so attainable, yet why do I have no real urgency? I see people my age create and do things that I would love to do, but why does seeing someone else achieve something make me want to quit? As the years go by, I feel like I'm wasting my life, despite only having just started it. But I think that's the problem. Everyone makes it seem like these years are the 'golden years', but I have done nothing remotely spectacular or cool. I haven't amazed anyone or made anyone proud of my achievements. And as I get older, I do realise that I really haven't changed at all. I'm still the same suicidal 12-year-old, the same cringe 13-year-old and the same 14-year-old who tried so hard to fit in. I think it's very easy to get stuck in a never-ending spiral of horrible thoughts.

Well, I guess reflecting is good in a way. It makes me really appreciate how much I've grown. I've been called obnoxious, loud, and annoying many times in the past year or two, which is a stark contrast to the girl people thought was mute for the longest time. I do feel a lot better existing as myself, even though it really does feel like I'm cosplaying as a girl sometimes. Outside influences don't really have a huge effect on my self-worth anymore.

It's my birthday soon. I do hate birthdays. I hate celebrating anything because I've always been taught to suppress my emotions and not be so 'full of myself.' I'm just embarrassed to show any emotions infront of my parents now. I hate dressing up infront of them, laughing infront of them, crying infront of them. I guess I just don't like being myself around them, especially my mum, because it seems like from the moment I was born, the only constant around me was the obvious judgment my mum always had towards me. 

It's okay, though. I really just had to let it all out. Well, not all of it. That's a lil too vulnerable even for me. And I do think I lie to myself a bit during all these blog posts and even just private journal entries. It seems too vulnerable even to write it out for myself.

Apologies for this long, incomprehensible and frankly, jumbled mess of my thoughts.