Do I even know who I am?

Today I decided i'd finally write an introduction to this app, after having it for over a year, but it ended up proving to be harder than I expected.

it seems simple enough. 'Hi, I'm ___, I like ___, ___, and ____" 

but, it made me think more than it was supposed to. I mean, who am I to take upon the right of explaining an entire human being? To put a perspective in other people's minds of who I am, a narrative that could be entirely false, and put expectations and needs into their minds that I cannot meet?

so, I started with everything I knew to be true about myself. 

And what I could safely share.

I am a woman.

I am nearly five-foot six.

I weigh 112 pounds on average.

I have deep blue eyes and brown hair.

But those aren't what people want to know. They want to know what I like, or more importantly, what I can offer them. 

I suppose I can sort of write, I even fancy myself a poet. But who is in charge of determining whether I am hopelessly in love with writing, or if I am a writer?

I wrote a book during an identity crisis a year or two ago. Am I an author?

Do I even enjoy writing, or is it merely something I do to receive validation off of people? 

What do I like?

I think I like the ocean, but I've never seen it. but it calls me in, and I feel as if I'd rather drown in it than ever leave.

I like the color green, and yellow. I like every color, but only certain shades.

I like cars. being inside them. I don't know their names.

I like lightning but I fear thunder.

I like the idea of living a traditional life, in the female traditional role.

but I'd be happier as a man. to move as one, breathe as one, to raise a child as a father.

to live life as a man.

I don't even know who I am. but I know what I fear.

I fear the sky. darkness. ghosts. God. anorexic people. That one shade of orange.

Fear is stronger than my own sense of self. it changes and defines me.

fear consumes me. I swallow it, I speak it, I wear it, it sticks to my skin.

Am I fearful or am I fear itself?

do I know myself at all?