"i will die your daughter"

i think ive realized something . maybe i already knew this but the past 2 days its just been pretty clear . its sad though , i dont want it to be true. i want to be wrong.

this is gonna sorta add onto my last blog entry ..

they wont speak to me , wont even look at me. it used to be small things, it was just small jokes and then the jokes and making fun turned into real criticism. real insults , what's worse is i dont think they know how obvious its gotten. i dont think they are capable of admitting to it.

if they admit to the relentless torment , they would be bad people right ? if they acknowledge it , they'd have to acknowledge my hurt right ?

it only started as playful jokes , i thought my family just joked like that .. bad humor that was easy to simply laugh off and move on from. then it started to hurt , the comments about my intelligence , the times my dad went on about my sister being his "favorite daughter" , the comments on my habits and body.. it wasn't all true was it ? but it was . i realize now they just laughed while saying those things at first because they were afraid of being seen as bad people.

i want to say , im not a perfect child , i never have been and i never claimed to be. but no child should be abandoned or left behind because they struggle. i mean hell , i have some of the same struggles they have ! addiction to substances runs laps in this family , and so does mental illness. maybe i got the short end of the stick because they act as if im completely outcasted. im beyond help and beyond reasoning with in their eyes. idk . maybe i just needed a hug and someone to talk to ? i dont hurt you guys when i hurt myself. but me hurting myself will make the "public eye" view them poorly and thats all i think they care about.

i mean it sucks but i truly dont believe that they'd notice if i was gone. it would take maybe a day and a half for them to check my bedroom , imagine if i was living alone ? when i was in a different state , i barely heard from them , might take them a week for them to notice their first daughter-second child- is dead.

but maybe im a jerk for thinking that way . is this pathetic to feel ? is it viewed as a joke ? im hurting a lot , i wish i didnt feel embarrassed for venting .

they've been blatantly ignoring me time and time again , i speak and they turn to speak to each other .. as if they didnt hear me or just make eye contact with me while i was speaking to them. they act like i dont exist at all .. and if i ever tell them i feel this way , im told that im acting self absorbed , selfish , too sensitive , annoying , attention seeking ... i mean FFS ITS MY FAMILY SAYING THIS . :( i just cant take it anymore . they dont even know me but they like try to paint this picture of me FOR me , like no ... youre wrong - im not that person at all. omg . 

taking my life to prove to my parents im worth loving doesnt seem like a good way to go out , it'll make my boyfriend sad if i do that. and he's my everything, im happy im not alone. i happy i have him and im happy he loves me.

today feels like its almost over but its only 2pm .. why does it feel like night time ? i just wanna go to sleep .

i feel slightly ridiculous for typing this out at all , i could be overreacting .. theres no way i am though. i know my problems are small , im aware that my relationship with my parents isnt as bad as it probably could be ... but it still hurts .

i just know that if i have a daughter , id never want her to think the way i do at night alone in my room. i dont want my future daughter to ever feel unsafe or unwanted.

but maybe im just being too sensitive right ?

xo , belle