My Personal Struggles

Anxiety 

Ever since I was little I have had anxiety. I remember going to this concert and having to go all the way out to the parking lot because I couldn't hande it. I also have social anxiety. Which may be odd because there are times when I talk to complete strangers and try to joke around with them. I hate the feeling I get when I have an anxiety attack. My heart will race and I will just want to leave immediately. And I hate that I feel that way because I feel guilty when I annoy my mom because I can't handle it. 

Addictions 

I have quite a few of these. and so I'll just be honest. I have an addiction to social media. Sometimes I compare myself to others. I also have an addiction to electronics. I'm actually not even supposed to be using this site. I have not had my own phone since August 2025, because I would get into online relationships or flirt with girls, and it would ruin my mood. I also struggle with sexual stuff. And the only reason I am talking about this is because I hope someone can see this and know that they are not alone. When I had access to a device (my phone or my computer) I would watch Porn. And for someone my age I know alot of people will think I'm weird and gross. But unfortunately there is no going back in time. And addiction is hard especially when you have no one to talk to about it. 

Sexuality

This is a huge topic for me because I used to hate knowing who I really was and how I truly felt. When I was 13 I started feeling attraction to girls. And at the time I had went through something with this girl at school. And it truly made me hate myself. It also became a topic about me at school, these girls found out I had flirted with their friend and spread it. It even went to my counselor and I'm pretty sure she told my mom. I believe that now I am a lesbian. And have only told 2 people I know. I hate that my mom might never support me, and may never show up to my wedding because I'm pretty sure I will only marry a woman. 

Self Image/ Insecurities 

I have not liked the body I live in for many years. I can't even remember when it started. But I hate going to school or out in public knowing that I'm bigger than most girls my age, and that I will never be as pretty as them unless I lose a bunch of weight. I also hate my skin, I used to break out alot and it has gotten better but there are still times I wish my skin was completely clear, and that I only needed to put on a little makeup to feel pretty. It's also hard going shopping for clothes and seeing the cutest stuff but then I find out its too small for me. I also have my mom constantly telling me that something will probably not fit me. 

Friends

I struggle making friends or finding the right ones, I feel like I'm to weird or not pretty enough for most people to want to get to know me. I also compare myself to the friends that I do have, because I think they are way more pretty than I could ever be. Which I know that makes me look bad but I just can't help it. People will tell you to be yourself but when you are yourself, people think your odd and weird. I don't know if I ever will be that girl who posts on instagram of her and her friend's going to the beach or going shopping. 

This is all I can think of for now, If you read this then thank you for taking your time. If you relate to any of this just know you are not alone and that I love you. 

Love, Elana