i love talking to people! but do people love talking to me?

hello! it's been a while since i posted again, but here we are!

"Are we conversing or are they just replying?" is something I often think about. I love chatting people first, taking initiative because I do want to talk to them, unfortunately it ends up with me overthinkg and probably deleting that message after a few hours of being undelivered.

 Growing up, I wasn't really a social fellow; in elementary, I couldn't care less about what others think; I do my own thing, I can be on my own! But now? It's that stage where you crave human connection; I've researched it, and at my age, it appears to be pretty 'normal' to just want to connect with someone. 

I'm very awkward in person, not the best conversationalist, but I try to keep things light and playful, but I worry that I won't be taken seriously. There are times when I do attempt to give my thoughts about the topic, but on my end it seems unwanted; I seem unwanted. I love talking to people; I love hearing people talk, but do the people want to hear me? It's a shame you can't read into people's minds; this would make my life so much easier. 

Am I worth talking to? Am I worth someone's time of day? Is something I ask; maybe you ask it yourself. I dislike how much I read into someone's expression or tone when talking to me; their pitch was a little high- were they annoyed? They seem indifferent; was it something I said? In the end, I realise that I may not be the only factor; maybe they're having a bad day, a bad encounter, a misunderstanding with someone else. I get too much into my head when I greet someone, "Hello!" Was my tone good? I should've said, Hey. I don't know if I'm socially dense because this also applies to online friends.

"Hey! how are you!! :D"

"im ok, hbu?"

let the overthinking COMMENCE!!!!

I don't want to say that they probably hate me; it's just how they type, how they interact, or it's what they're used to.

Talking, talking about a certain topic, unfortunately, I just lie when someone is talking about something I barely have knowledge about, you know, for the sake of conversation! People love it when someone mirrors their interest; maybe that's why I keep doing that. Well, I like it when someone mirrors my interest. I'll act like I know what you're talking about so we can keep talking, so we can keep connecting, but once I talk about my own topic, suddenly, some people just don't bother to show interest.

As I said I connect by jokes and by doing funny voices; I got it from my favorite YouTuber, flamingo. Whenever the conversation dies down a bit while I still want to talk to you, I'll do a funny accent, a high-pitched voice going "mama" or quoting what I think you'd like, just for you to find talking to me memorable, to be worthwhile.

Every day I wish, pray, and hope that someone out there is looking forward to talking to me, to converse with me, do bits, make silly jokes just to talk, to connect, and of course, to like me.

Do you have an immediate answer when you think of someone who would be looking forward to talking to you for the day? Is it your pet? A friend? A lover? Or even a family member?

Xoxo,
Sonne

(its nearly 2 am, so if i don't make sense, my deepest apolocheese)