Thoughts and feelings on pursuing relationships

formatted: day/month + time

>30/6 2:30 PM

Honestly its so surreal, I always recognize the silhouette in the corner of my eye, but when I look to observe it further, its this guy with the exact same style and beanie, but he has dreads and a couple of piercings---in addition to that he's darker than my ex, and shorter, too. Its so odd and noteworthy for me because its always the same exact guy, and I keep seeing him everywhere. 

In addition to being my ex, he was also my first love. I have two brief exes after him, but I don't really count them as my exes because I just got with them to fill an empty hole that my first love filled. Yes, I did wait almost 4 years to date, and I guess I've just never met a guy/chick that treated me and fulfilled my needs like my ex did. I am over my ex, I've already visited the "what ifs" and yearning during the first two years. Maybe its a subconscious thing. My ex was a manipulative, obsessed, overprotective and jealousy filled man, but he was the best person I had ever met. We never escalated any fights, shared firsts moments, and that seemed to escalate both of our feelings. He has since moved on, and I believe that I have too. 

I think I just miss having that unhealthy and mutual codependent attachment to someone. I know its bad to have but, I can't help but instinctually want it. I'm well aware that this severe need for a codependent attachment stem from repeatedly being the second or last option to everyone in my life, and is repeated throughout my social and family life, whether it be current or from a string of memories of my childhood. And it just makes me feel guilty for wanting that, being self-aware and all. But you need to understand, its as instinctual of a need to me as it is to instinctively searching for a beverage when you're thirsty. And I find myself constantly thirsty, in this example, with no water to quench my seemingly insatiable thirst.

I'll update this as I develop articulation to the imagery and illegible thoughts in my mind about this topic.

UPDATE: 30/6 10:10 PM 

I think my first love really shaped my type in men ngl. I used to not have a preference, but after him I tend to like a guy with long hair and an accent, also a bonus if he's around my height (5'7"). Idk i just think its interesting, to be honest. Especially since I used to think guys with long hair were eh, and I never understood why girls wanted guys with long hair, but now I do. Accents were actually one of the things I always found hot, before and after my ex. Its also worth noting that my other two exes also have accents lmfao, its the only constant between all the men. I dated a metal head, a emo, and a normal guy with long hair. The metal head had a very thick solcal surfer-dude accent, the emo guy had a more light hispanic accent, and the normal looking guy had a thick russian accent. Lmfao I think you can tell I like alt men with thick accents (*/ω＼*)

TBH  i dunno how I managed to pull any of them, but I'm greatful that I did when I had the chance.(FYI the guy with the russian accent was my first boyfriend).

UPDATE: 03/07 1:01 AM

I feel like  men with long hair are so sweet and majestic, well, the ones I dated imo. No but, they're usually pretty open-minded or sweet guys  (atleast in my area lol) and I think maybe thats why I go for those kinda guys (º﹃º)

I fold instantly for a guy with beautiful long hair, but many don't know how to take care of it well and that pisses me off sm o(TヘTo)

Istg like boy cut it off if you can't treat ur long hair good smh... like its not the same as short hair yet a lot of guys treat it that way?? Then they get upset and always talk about how it looks too dry or too oily like ugh... it pisses me off if they've had it for a while now too, and I mean like guys who don't even bother with research or anything¬_¬

UPDATE: 04/07 2:15 AM

Am I gonna start dating? This is a tough question to answer, as a part of me WANTS to, but the bigger part of me says no lol. So no, I don't think I'll be dating anyone anytime soon, but if the opportunity were to arrive, then... ofc ima take it LMFAO T_T

But seriously, I'm not really into dating atm, nor am I actively looking for a partner. Just cool friends I can hang out with :3