Some Secret Shit That’s Not A Secret But A Shitty Thing

I honestly feel fucked whenever we have to do the ‘about me’ things as a person that hates labels. How do I tell people that I like going out and go on random adventures yet here im sitting on my very messy bed typing on some cheap keyboard thats cool because its ‘retro themed’.  i tell people that i like meeting new faces yet like 8/10 times I won't talk to them because I anticipate the interaction already and figured that its useless or awkward anyway? Yeah- i find only some dudes hot (mostly celebs) and would maybe fuck them but If i tell people that Im bi or pan or whatever, it also dosent really fit and then they’d be stuck there analyzing random shit that dosent have to do with the whole conversation. 

Also I have a ‘gone daddy issue’? I don't even know the term for that. There's a common saying of ‘how could you miss someone you never even met?’ Jeez, the amount of coming of age movies that depict that, makes me sick, in an annoyed way. 

Basically today i watched the new girls like girls movie directed by Haley kiyoko with my friend and their mom and bawled my eyes out constantly to the middle and the end because of how relatable or sad it was? I mean in my mind I was trying to relate to it because obviously the directed target isn't me, i mean barely. But y’know it still made me emotional because I kinda felt the same way in middle school; but I can't tell anyone because it's too personal or I just don't know how to bring it up, like- “Wow. This movie spoke to me, and the daddy issues.” Like I guess my tears spoke enough. Also I did date a guy and might've possibly lost my virginity to one, but that's different because of queer dynamics. I mean sapphic and achillean kinda goes hand in hand but our experiences are separate because of society and also the patriarchy. If you told a woman that her boyfriend is actually secretly used to hook up with a man, she'd be turned off. While if you told a guy that his girl kissed a woman, he’d be turned on. I just don’t get why we are still so backwards in 2026. Basically, im fucked.  Not to mention that im 5’3. 

I think if society were to fuckng wipe out labels, we’d be a freer place, if that's even a real word. And here I am 16 asking my mom and aunt to buy me some buzzballs and drink the hazelnut latte- it tasted nasty as hell but who cares, it was 5 dollars. AT least my mom offered me Smirfinoff ice. And was planning to sneak some into my drink at the theater. I actually drank some more that afternoon and night that I passed out and woke up at 5am. I often run into the wall of thinking I'm not doing enough even though I am technically doing something. Because here now, im writing a blog that probably nobody is even going to fucking read because i dont know if im ever going to publish this. And work on my art portfolio for colleges that probably won't even glance at me because of my bum grades. I mean- do grades even matter for art school? People don't care if you can do XYZ if your art is good or not. Hey- I also write. My characters Freja and Max, yeah ive developing them for like a year and some months now and it's pretty darn good. Self promo ammiright? Well people will never ever get to see it anyway, because i don't know how to get an audience or make people care. I mean who would look at some art of random  people and text while you can go and watch some better stuff? Maybe I'm just dumbing down my abilities but at least I'm being realistic. I can't even write full books, let alone deal with MLA formats  that English teachers give us. If I were to be something in this world, I’d probably be a leaf. I mean at least people like them. 

Writing sometimes feels like such a circle, like you put your head onto this idea and you can't just get it out. And then you just give up and betray your ideas. I hate when I click on YouTube videos about creatives or motivation and they say along the lines of “Even if you're tired, it's good to create, because maybe one day your efforts will lead to fruition and become real and people will recognize your ideas and work.” Well yeah duh, thats why people on your video. But they don't really  tell you how to deal with not being this ‘famous’ artist or cinematographer or director etc even if you worked your ass off. There's already like a bunch of people on this earth. There's bound to be one that really resonates with your work. And I guess, it's okay to be burned out or not want to create anymore. Because who's it to say that creating is the only thing you could do? But this year, I am finally going to try actually showing my work. Like, who cares if my writing or comic is bad or corny? At least I tried. 

Also, obviously I told my friends that I drank some alcohol. And they didn’t shame me for it, that's a plus. I mean it’s always been normal to do ‘adult’ things young. Just don't get addicted and shit. Buzzballs are overrated, unless you can recommend me a combo mixture or a flavour that can actually change my mind. 

Dont mind the spelling errors, this wasnt supposed to be an actual blog