life recently

it's been a minute since i last updated my word vomit blog, so i thought i'd give it a shot. i'm really trying to remember what's been going on lately, i feel like i can only think negatively. 

i've mostly just been busy with work, so not much there. outside of work, i try and hang out with my irl friends while i can since most of them are leaving for college soon. i've also been hanging out with my coworkers outside of work but it can feel kind of awkward sometimes. all of my coworkers are significantly older than me, so sometimes i feel like i'm not much fun to be around and i feel like a kid most of the time. it really sucks being so young and working in a space where adults primarily work. i'm also not into a lot of the things they are. sure, we have some interests in common here and there, but it's mostly general stuff. i feel like i'm too nerdy for them, and i don't even consider a lot of my interests very nerdy at all. i think they like me regardless, but it's really hard to become friends with people who have already been friends for years.

me and my boyfriend have been pretty rocky lately too honestly, i feel like it's almost everyday we're fighting about something or another. i told him that i would be doing wrong by him to be with him since he's never been in a relationship before me and we're long distance, but he said that i'm worth it. i wonder if he still thinks i'm worth it now. i doubt it.

i feel like recently i've just been on survival mode. i'm having fun here and there but most of the time i just sit alone in my room and i do nothing. i don't even want to call anyone, hang out, play games, watch something. i just let a random video or movie play in the background and just lay down and stare up at the ceiling. i think i'm just having a depressive episode, but i don't know anymore. i don't even really feel depressed anymore, all of this sadness just feels like an everyday occurrence to me. it makes my highs feel really good, but after those highs are over i go back to being how i've always been and it makes that state of normalcy feel even worse. 

i cant even say i wish i knew what was wrong with me, because i know exactly why i feel everything that i do. i'm very in tune and hyperaware of my own emotions, i just can't do anything to help the way i feel. i feel like i've tried a lot of different things and nothing seems to help. i listen to music, i read, i write, i play games, i talk about it, but none of that works. medication doesn't seem to help either. all the medicine i've been on makes me feel hollow and soulless. i'd rather feel like shit sometimes and god the rest of the time then feel normal all the time. i really like that quote, it's from a movie i watched in highschool a couple years ago and it's stuck with me ever since. i feel like out of all the quotes in movies i've watched, that's definitely the one that's stuck with me the most.

i feel like this life update has mostly been me ranting about my feelings and not an actual life update, so i'll list some actual life updates: i'm finally going to school for my optician license (yay!), my best friend is coming down to visit next month and i'm really excited, i invited my coworker to go to an anime convention with me and one of my favorite danganronpa voice actors will be there, deltarune chapter 5 came out yesterday and i'm replaying the entire game leading up to it so it'll feel more exciting, and the new dead by daylight update sucks but who's surprised there lol.

my life is pretty boring right now. i'm not involved in any drama at all which is what i like. i can't believe in highschool i would pick fights with people online and get my nose all into drama. i just can't imagine living a lifestyle like that anymore. i'm too much of a coward nowadays.

i think that's all for my update, until next time!