crystal-clear memories from a time that felt like a vivid dream

once, he told me that he measured the approach of warmer days by the sunlight coming through the small window in his cell. the sunlight would first reach his forehead, then his neck and eventually his waist. he loved the sunshine when we used to go to the beach and swim for hours together so that did not surprise me, instead made me want to curse our luck that forced him to live through this nightmare which now i remember like a lucid dream.

another one that i still remember was the one that he told me during a non contact visit. there was a phone that reeked of saliva, i had to stick that sh1t to my face to just hear his voice for a couple of minutes while he was on the other side of the thick glass and bars. he told us that while he was walking laps in their yard a ladybug landed on his arm. he tried to shoo it off his arm so it would fly away, but it stayed. he pulled out a piece of bread and wetted it, then shaped it into a small bowl with his finger. he put the ladybug inside it and threw it to the other side of the long concrete walls, he didn’t want it to be stuck there like he was. even when he was deprived of his own freedom he still thought about the freedom of a tiny creature. 

things like that are what make a memory “human”. when i reminisce about him, the things that i remember are not the countless operations he went through, corrupt judges, his death or my abnormal childhood that he did everything to make it seem as normal as he could. i remember a man that told me “despite all the suffering, all the problems, everything; we are happy. because we have minds that are capable of finding happiness even in the worst conditions.” even though i am always told by my family and close friends that i inherited his willpower and resemble him so damn much, i can never be as resilient as he was.

i’m grateful for everything he left within my soul, and i miss him dearly. i love you so much dad.

until next time.