Nostalgia and how I cope

Nostalgia is a weird emotion. I feel despondent for a time that never existed. Sometimes I feel like I don't exist. It's all weird. Some of the best moments that scream “im lonely and love summer” are laughing from wattpad comments at three am on a summer night with my window open. Or laying on my floor in the dark while Alex G plays. I've spent my life feeling uncomfortable with the fact of feeling. The fact that humans feel emotion. And instead of running away as I usually do, I embrace it. There's a way to embrace it, either a harmful way or a therapeutic way. I usually tend to fuck up and “embrace” it in a rather violent or harmful way–often turning to self destruction or substances looking for anything to ground me. 

Maybe that's why nostalgia hurts so much. It's not that I miss the past. It's that I miss a feeling I've never actually felt. It's specific, and you know what you are thinking of, but can't put it into words. More like mourning a person you've never met. You know everything about them–the way they like their coffee, their favourite hairstyle, and the smell of their laundry detergent. The thing is, you've never smelt that, nor met the person. Everytime i think ive finally found what ive been longing for, it leaves behind the same dull ache I've felt for years. 

I've spent my entire life looking to recreate something that I can't even name. I look for it in music, literature, emotions, experiences, and people. Sometimes I even convince myself I've found it–a new friend, useless hobby, or experience. It always burns out, leaving me with the realization that I will convince myself I've found what I'm looking for, even when I know I haven't.

I think that's why growing up is so disappointing. We were all told that one day when you “grow up” you’ll finally become the person you've always wanted to be. Then one day you wake up and realize that the person you are waiting to become is already who you are. The feeling that is left behind is the thought that you only have yourself in this moment, not a future guide you try to look to. 

It doesn't happen at once–the emotion that is. It happens during a specific time of dusk, a room that feels too quiet, or a certain song. It's not necessarily sadness, but a yearning to be more than what I have become (or am?) I try to ignore it, or lean into it so much so that it becomes overwhelming. Then it fades. Not because I finally found the answer and solved what I've been looking for my entire life! But because I've exhausted the feeling. It's always the same cycle, grasping onto something that you know will leave.