I just left my abuser of 5 years.. // Ramble #7

I’m not sure of the purpose of this blog, maybe it’s to help someone who’s in a situation like mine.  And please. If you think your relationship or friendship is anything like mine, LEAVE. before it’s too late, you don’t have a unique special bond, you are emotionally dependent. Today’s ramble is kinda bizzare and LONG, and i can’t believe im writing this. I just got off the phone and im totally shaking and sweating but i’ve never felt so happy and free in my life.

tw: uhhh… emotional abuse, self destructive behavior addiction, whatever tread carefully, i don’t get super detailed anyways

My abuser in question is my bestfriend (well formerly..) I’m genuinely shaking. It took so so many years to really realize what was happening to me, but for 5 years i was emotionally abused by my bestfriend for years until i could not physically function without her presence and i had no other contact or friends without her. I was pushed to my breaking point over and over and over and every single time id react to it: it was turned on me. Our friendship started off innocent and fun, although looking back we became friends because we trauma dumped on eachother… and that’s all we did for months (already red flag i missed) but later we bonded over things like music and we had really similar humor. Over the years it began to look a lot less like this…. :,)

I mean at the time Anon (the name i’ll be using for them..) was already going through hell, and it only got worse when while we were friends. it got to the point where i was dropping things and opportunities to help them i was so beyond worried what would happen to them if i didnt.. it severely impacted my social life, my academics, and most severely, my mental health. It got to a point where they were always in and out of the mental hospital. And every time they were gone i couldn’t function. I would get so depressed i physically couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t function if i wasn’t helping them and i was scared to death constantly. I felt so useless and pointless without them, and because i had spent so much time caring for them, i was absolutely alone in this. I could’ve told the few friends i had, but i knew Anon would be angry and upset at me if i told someone other than them about what affected me so badly. Not to mention i couldn’t even tell my own parents because id be terrified that they’d separate me and Anon. I was so alone i started to internalize it which would definitely would contribute to not only me slowly going insane, but also developing what i know now is bpd… (insane crazy bitch disorder.. or borderline personality disorder…)

A year-ish maybe a year and a half went by Anon only got worse, and their habits had become full on addictions and absolutely scrapped them clean of any soul of themselves they had left in them. I had basically become a full time mom and full time loser. Every day became literal agony, i literally would cry every night, cry at school, and be a total bitch. I was so worried about Anon it consumed every last bit of me, and to me it was love. i felt like we had developed this kind of unbreakable bond, like we understood eachother on a different plane. which sounds dorky, but nothing else to me mattered but them. I didn’t care what was happening to me, i didn’t care about how i would hurting myself, i didn’t care who liked me, i didn’t care about anything as much as i did them. Like with every fiber of my being i LOVED them. So it became routine. I’d show up, they’d melt down, i’d be expected to hush everyone down and huddle up and care for them. And i dropped everything to do it. It made me feel warm and happy knowing that they were happy. This pattern eventually took away those years from me. All my moments became theirs. Not even times where i was at my lowest lows and they barely bothered to atleast acknowledge it, but fun times i was meant to enjoy.

 one moment i think back to all the time was this school dance, I finally got to hang out with this girl i had a huge crush on. That night, Anon went with their girlfriend as well, so i figured, “hey, it’s safe to bring my date, and i can give Anon time to spend with their girlfriend.”.. which did not happen. I showed up to the dance like normal and me and her had lots of fun, until Anon came up to me and just stared. They immediately started crying and freaking out, and all i could do was drop this date and huddle up in the corner with Anon. I spent that dance sitting next to them and comforting them while my date left. And then shortly after, Anon left and i had to sit in the corner alone for the next hour and pretend im not crying or upset. But at that time that experience felt worth it to me, in my head i thought “thank goodness i saved anon.” not the fact every single dance i went with them always ended this same way. Before i knew it, all those memories i could’ve had were taken up with Anon. 

Not to mention they’d show up high to school all the time. All the fucking time. Not to make myself sound like a stuck-up straight edge loser.. but my experience with Anon completely will keep me away from any substance in my life.. I can’t even deal with the little things like pot or cigs or alcohol. They all disgust me and i never EVER want to be close with an addict again. Being close with someone so deeply addicted to substances genuinely tore me apart. I was the only one who really know about it, and to everyone else, i was a crazy piece of shit who got so upset over having a little fun. (which will come back to bite my ass..)

One day i couldn’t take all this pressure, and i reached out to one of my friends about it. I told her about what was going on with me, and how worried i was. The next morning when Anon found out, they got all distant and pissy at me. They were so upset i’d told someone else about this rather than them. After that i kept everything to myself, which very quickly wears down your mental state… it was at a point where i started having severe mental issues and psychosis (etc.. don’t want to have to put too many tw..), and that year alone i’d probably attempted on my life around 5-8 times. It was to a point where it became a weekly basis. Of course, as an attention seeking tween i was, i wasn’t quiet about it. I posted all my little cryptic edgy things and even said outright a lot of things i did. (Although i might even go as far as to petty-ily say this was a learned behavior from Anon who did this all the time.. where every time this happened i would freak tf out and ask them what’s up..) But to no avail, no one really cared. Not even my special mythical bond with Anon was enough for them to even ask the bare minimum like: are you alright?? Of course no one is granted some else’s help, but it was probably over due for someone like Anon… Not to mention i was also having a really bad crush at the time.. and being as sick in the head as i was, it was driving me crazy which totally added to everything….

That year in total was probably the worst and best year of my life, despite being used like a shit-rag the whole time. I had most of my best memories and was pretty high and mighty about myself (when i wasn’t feeling like dookie..) I’ve recently kept myself from looking back at this time of my life, of course to keep myself from crying like a big baby, but also because before i left them, i didn’t want nostalgia to bring me back to them again. I knew what they did to me was hurting me, and recently it was the last time i was going to let this happen to me.

In the following year, Anon moved away. I was left to my own devices and i couldn’t function. Single-handedly i had lost every single friend i had, been a piece of shit to everyone who tried to be nice to me, and absolutely hit the lowest low of my life… I won’t get into too much detail cuz a lot of it were other factors as well. My bpd was at its VERY VERY worst.. and i had no idea i had it. But every single day i couldn’t physically work because i didn’t have Anon to stabilize me. I had gotten so dependent on Anon for care, caring for, identity, being my only anything i just didn’t work as a person. In that time all i did was text Anon all day, and hear about how amazing their new school was and how many friends they had and how everything was working out. And i was exactly where they left me, i had nothing and i was actually crazy. I don’t remember a lot of this time because i hit such a low that i genuinely can’t remember  most of it..

Although, that summer i finally got a new boyfriend, and suddenly dynamics changed… now that i was with a person i really liked, i’d spoken less to Anon.

But i would like to mention. Anon had torn me apart and distorted my idea of closeness and connection to someone so badly, that i couldn’t even love anyone else for a long time. I only felt really apathetic towards anyone but Anon, it felt like i really didn’t need anything but them. The first time i got with my boyfriend, i couldn’t love him because all i loved was Anon.  

I really do think this relationship got me out of this. Anon and him had previous issues… so it was a huge point in contention between us.. If i had never gotten with him, i’d probably be close than ever with Anon and i would’ve probably been long gone.

That summer, i will admit i do feel bad, but i didn’t really contact Anon. Or anyone that much really. But i was spending that summer working on myself a lot so… you win some you lose some.

that next year is where things start to get bad. i was jealous.. absolutely soaking in the effects of my very severe bpd i did not know i even had.. i became so infatuated with Anon and their new girlfriend (well new friend at the time.. unfortunately i was so crazy and weird i figured it out months ahead..) I was genuinely mortified that Anon wouldn’t need me anymore after years of keeping me on this hook, convincing me that i was above other people and that i was the only one who could help her.. I freaked out. My state got so bad i would have meltdowns constantly, i would derealize to the point where i was losing my sense of everything. This whole idea of losing my purpose and losing my one true golden amazing god of a person was actually devastating. 

It’s so stupid to me looking back. but also back then i wasn’t getting proper help for my issues, so too bad really. Anon’s girlfriend was one of my friends from a year before, we were on good terms before i flipped the table on EVERYONE. I was convinced Anon had been turned against me, they’d stopped contacting me as often and i took that as a sign that we were done.. and then i had a pissy fit and ignored them to “get back” at them.. so dumb omfggg… this became a cycle until i spoke up. I had written 5 whole pages in our shared journal. I was terrified about both Anon leaving me but also so worried that i couldn’t help them from falling into their addiction again.

what i DIDNT know… was that times had changed. I had gotten to delusional that apparently times were different. Anon didn’t need or want my help, and was upset because i wasn’t contacting them. double whammy for sure.. but also what i did not know, was Anon knew about how i was feeling completely. I even told them various times before. I was actually pretty nice about it for months, and they assured me that i was just crazy and things were fine. I was even told “you are allowed to tell me if there’s anything wrong with my relationship, that’s what bestfriends are for”. Which was a lie. it gave me enough false confidence to completely destroy all my relationships at once. Worst part is what i wrote wasn’t even that bad to my memory.. i don’t remember too much of what i wrote. But it was along the lines of “if you want to be sober and mentally better, you need to hang out with people who don’t encourage that behavior.” over and over.. which i mean was truthful.. but apparently no one wanted my help and people actually just say “i need help” for fun… after that it became super mean and bad and violating.. i was completely like a laughing stock, and they even made attempts to “fake being sad” so i’d feel guilty? who even does that??? 

What upset me the most is everyone KNEW how bad i was doing. Everyone literally saw it and some even acknowledged it.. Anon knew and still didn’t really try to reassure me at all. Looking back, this all could’ve been so avoided? No one spoke to me, no one tried to reassure me, nobody did anything. And then when i got pushed to act out, everyone was out clutching their pearls like i was insane..

After this it was kinda radio silence, and occasional harassment.. mostly my boyfriend. Anon’s group especially liked to just harrass him for no reason… There were a couple efforts of trying to break up my relationship. Which was bad, but i just accept as a trade off for me doing the same thing to them.. (although I will say had better intentions than Anon..). And when i ignored them, they went around and told everyone i didn’t like my boyfriend and was actually not even attracted to boys… which i want to pull the biphobia card but i wont.. (no but i swear this was always a point of contention as well.. always being rude to me because i was bisexual but dating a man..).. which that whole rumors definitely caused me to freak the freak out.. of course. I didn’t want to lose my boyfriend.

and fast forward to recently. I had written up this whole big letter, attempted to make amends, i apologized profusely to everyone ever. I started getting help for my bpd, literally i did the best i could to fix everything. I was doing better mentally and i was ready to get back on my feet.. I even thought Anon and their girlfriend were my friends…. 

i mean it’s fair that they didn’t like me afterwards. But instead they just played house with me and pretended to be my friends.. 

then i made the mistake again vocalizing what made me uncomfortable about me an Anon’s friendship. They were close to a dude that had hurt me very very deeply in the past, and i just didn’t like that.. all i really said was just explaining some of what he did to me, and i was VERY clear i wasn’t trying to tear up their friend group. But of course when does this ever work out… i was blamed for what he did to me and i had absolutely zero empathy or even sympathy towards me. (not to mention that same person was definitely talking behind their backs.. but shhh…)

All of this eventually came back up on me.. in the morning i got into a heated discussion about.. kurt cobain (😭😭😭) and that’s where i got a long heated paragraph and quadruple blocked. i’ll paraphrase cuz it was really long… basically ohhh im so evil i ruined Anon’s life and their love life and their friend group and i’m an evil bitch.. and then hating on courtney love because apparently that’s what everyone does to hurt my feelings? Courtney love came up like 30 times i swear.. i just think she’s cool.. she’s not like my mom or something i don’t care that bad.. 

It was kinda crazy. Because really the most i did was speak up. Sure i could’ve been nicer about a lot of things, but i was pushed repeatedly to my breaking point and then got ostracized when i spoke up about it. I never said anything that damning or life ruining. I genuinely spoke up honestly and stood up to people i hadn’t really ever stood up to before. Especially Anon. It hurt a lot when they explained how much they hated me and how much i seemed to ruin their life, and i just kinda let them. I tried to keep myself from petty fighting and defending my honor because i don’t need to prove myself to people who just don’t want to hear it.. I’ve come an extremely long way and it shocked me how hollow this whole everything was. I mean i’ll cut Anon some (petty) slack, they were probably too stoned all the time to even remember what they did to hurt me. 

Yes, of course my hands clearly aren’t the cleanest, but i’ve atleast held myself accountable for it. (and i would like to say.. most of me being crazy was after being pushed and called crazy until i got outspoken about it..) 

if you’ve read this far i really just want to thank you for listening to my story. I mean it may not seem “bad enough”, and it still doesn’t seem “bad enough” to me, but the damage that’s been done to not only my mental health but my life now is absolutely bad enough. I’ve learned to stand up for myself, to take time for myself, and stop and listen to myself and others. Also i tread a lot more carefully when i split.. and I’ve been managing my bpd really well now. I’ve been getting good at grounding myself and just chill TF out. Friends aren’t permanent and what seems horrible isn’t your forever. Even if i’m still a batshit crazy person in their eyes, i’ll accept it and move on. Not everyone likes you but not everyone matters……. okay enough of that. thanks so much for listening.