hauntingly beautiful

uni exam stress has been getting to me

i can't control my emotions or how i behave anymore, everythings so mixed up, even today, i was just eating and just. started crying, not just one tear or two, literally just sobbing hysterically, i wasnt expecting it which made me choke on what i was eating, and it wasnt even a bad day today.

ive began to lash out on people more, not irl, just online. or just simply being cold with how i respond. i wouldnt do that irl anyways, im scared to do so, i just cry it out or just. lay down until its over.

ive been taking classes, i barely have free time now, i cant decide if i should be happy that itll be over once i take my exam, or be scared that i still have to wait for my results.

my parents make it up to be nothing important, but i know that they know it too, they wont react well if i fail. im trying my best. i dont wanna be grounded for another year. theyre not bad people, they want the best for me, but at this point im not sure if this is whats best for me.

ive thought of cutting, but what good does it bring me? my parents would see, and i would just suffer more, i dont wanna see any doctors anymore, but at the same time i wanna know whats wrong with me. it got to a point where i started hallucinating? i feel the scars of cuts that never existed, they burn and itch my arms, it makes me feel like digging into my skin and just ripping that part out, just to not see it anymore.

i like to imagine that i die in my sleep, just never waking up again, gone so suddenly yet peacefully, or just. stabbed maybe? while im still deep asleep. i know i'd panic on instinct, or maybe i wont, who knows. i dream about it sometimes, a simple white dress, just laying in a field full of white flowers, right in the middle of my stomach a pool of blood in contrast to the white, maybe to symbolize that even with the good life i lived, i'll still go to hell, for taking my own life. thats what my parents taught me, that suicide was one of the biggest sins, taking the life that was given to you.

i feel bad. i really do. i have people who do love me, truly, but i cant bring myself to keep going, it hurts, and it makes me think to myself, if they love me so, would they want me to stay? would they want me to keep suffering? would they be that selfish for me?

im so tired. i wanna go away. i wanna sleep forever, i wanna float endlessly in the sea, not alive, but just concious enough to feel it happening, to feel the comfort of it. i dont even care how cringe it sounds, i dont care if no one reads this either, i just need to let it all out. thank you for reading if you did though.