I went to the zoo today and some ramblings

It was fun :) I'm just really tired.

personal ramblings tw slightly negative?--

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I always fixate on the idea of dragging others down because i'm disabled so i push and push myself just to end up barely keeping up so i go home and fixate on how i still dragged them down and make myself feel worse. 

Ex- It was too hot and loud and noisy for me but I only took a break once even though i wanted to keep stopping. I didn't cover my ears in public bc I don't want a sense of shame and i don't want to put that on the person who was with me either. 

I keep pushing just to still end up leaving early. I want to do what everyone else can do easily. I dont want to always ruin everything for people around me. Kind of contradicting myself here dont get me wrong I want support but in a way support can kind of make it worse? "Its ok to take a break if you need to! :D" I dont want anyones pity. Its beyond infuriating that theres literally nothing I can ever do to be on the same level as most people.

I have a lot of self work to do lol...