Hyperfixated, or A Genuine Feeling?

How is one supposed to know this? One way is to just sit back and wait for it to pass, but is that being true to yourself? It doesn't even feel like running away from your thoughts. Feels natural to occupy yourself to the point of feeling so numb that the feeling doesn't have time or space to come back. It feels haunting cause it feels like it's true right now, but you can't believe your feelings anymore. What if it's just another episode, and it would happen in any relationship you ever entered? It seems like it. But on the other hand, what if it's not supposed to be like this? So, how are you supposed to know?

Last time, you let your sudden strong feelings go. You let them pass. And they did, they really did pass. So, you started doubting your feelings. Maybe you are just so prone to trying to run away from relationships; you got so good at it that now you can't even recognize when it's happening anymore. 

Everything was going well for the last couple of months. At one moment, everything is great, fulfilling. But then one day, out of nowhere, it suddenly feels wrong. You can't remember or relate to the feelings you felt a few weeks ago. You know they were extremely positive, but you can't recall them anymore. They are now blocked out of your brain, and you want out. You feel numb. Is something really missing, or are you just finding a way to run away again? How can you find an answer to this question when you don't even believe your feelings anymore? Feels impossible to figure out if you are afraid of commitment or the compatibility isn't fully here. You are really trying to work on this part of you, but it feels like every effort to change just gets nullified in the end. You are then back where you started from, but with even more heaviness in your chest. So you decide not to be impulsive this time around.

Okay, so maybe you aren't sabotaging yourself. Time to start digging into the whole relationship thing. Is it really for you? Are you even into all that romantic bullshit? Well, you love your cheesy 1940s romance movies, so ofcourse you want it, right? You start doubting what you've been chasing all this time. Maybe you aren't even attracted to men anymore. 

It's so sudden, it feels like another episode, but you are now seeing men through another lens. Hell, what new has happened? You get a loving relationship and you suddenly start thinking about your attraction towards women to the point of hyperfixation? You are lost. No idea what to do next, even after opening yourself up to your partner. You don't want to lose him, yet the feeling you can't grasp is so intense. Derealization is fully on and trying to escape your thoughts makes it even worse. Overwhelmed, lost and empty.

Love, 
alice