My Pride Story

When I was 13 I told my mom I might like girls. She supported me and told me she'd still love me no matter what and that its okay to feel that way. I then continued to confuse her for the rest of my junior high and high school career by being "boy crazy"  aka dating a lot of boys. I realized quickly in school that no matter how accepting my parents were, the people around me weren't. Even just talking about being gay openly in school made me the subject of everyone's bullying. So I hid it behind a never ending slew of boyfriends. Luckily I was still bisexual so I did like them enough to not have to pretend everything but it never felt the same as the way other girls would describe their relationships. 

I figured out freshman year of highschool I was probably just a lesbian and broke up with my current boyfriend. I came out to my mom as a full lesbian again that very same week. She was still supportive but a bit wary because she had already heard about the bullying and was worried for me. I started acting a little more "queer" and androgenous and my fellow classmates tormented me for it to the point where if I didn't drop out I was going to kill myself. At the same time that was happening I was also overcome with the beginnings of my disabilities so I was having to deal with medical emergencies AND discrimination daily. 

Once I had a fainting spell and collapsed right in the hallway and no one rushed to help, no one even batted an eye because no one liked me. I knew that was going to happen though so I had to crawl on my hands and knees to the nurses office, because no one would help me. I got halfway when I collapsed fully and someone finally carried me the rest of the way. The next day at school I was forced to apologize to that person for "embarrassing them" and having to deal with "someone like me". That was my final straw. 

The pandemic hit like a double edged sword to me. It saved my life, I was finally able to get away from those people and just focus on my education... for approximately one month before I caught covid, sending my stage one disabilities into a full downward spiral, turning me entirely disabled physically. There wasn't much I could do other than sit in my room on my computer so I created a new me, a better me, the me I always wanted to be, Olive. 

Olive could be as androgynous as they wanted to AND openly queer. It was through being Olive I realized I didn't feel entirely cis, I never did but I live in the Midwest, gender rules are stricter than sexuality rules. I made this entire persona online and dove into it so hard that I tried to make it a reality. The second I learned how to walk again I found a girlfriend locally and went on dates with her as Olive. The weekend after our date a tire was thrown into my family's lawn, crushing and killing most of my moms garden that she had been working hard on all summer long. There was trash in our lawn daily. I broke up with the girl, I hid in my house afraid. I did nothing offline. 

I refused to leave my house, my entire life was online. The only people that cared about me were either in my house or on my computer so why would I need to leave my house. Apparently that's not good for the health though because humans CAN actually develop zoochosis which I did. My mental health plummeted and I gave up completely on society and people as a species. 

That was almost 5 years ago now. I grew out my hair and dyed it a normal color, started dressing and acting like a woman in public and pretended like it was all "just a phase". I was able to go to the store without people even recognizing who I was. I was heartbroken at first because no one knew me but I figured it was for the best because of how aggressively they hated me when they did recognize me. 

I started slowly being a "productive human" while still struggling with my disabilities, leaving all of my actual personality online. It was making me spiral in derealization though, not knowing who I was and whether I was Olive or [  ] but thinking there could only BE one or the other. Olive online was this nonbinary lesbian with tons of friends, online lovers, and a happy and thriving community while [  ] lived in fear all day, only leaving the house with her parents and not realizing how much time had passed. 

Last year my mom pushed me to try and find another queer friend OFFLINE. I was scared but she was determined to not let my fear get in the way of being who I truly am. She scoped out this really sweet and caring person who worked at Walmart and through MONTHS worth of convincing me I gave them a card with my contact info on it. I wasn't sure what to do so I used the name Olive, thinking "Olive takes care of the queer partso I should use that name" 

I thought I was trans for a while. It turned out that I just have two names and both of them are equally me though. I haven't fixed or told my friends yet though, idk how to describe it exactly to them like "they're both my name but not in a trans-ness but not in a nickname way but in a they're both always my name" idk that's all confusing.. 

The Walmart friend ended up being a savior though, we clicked instantly and every single time we hang out I don't feel the need to hide or pretend to be someone I'm not, something I'd only previously been able to do near my parents or online. Its a weird yet freeing experience I never thought Id have. 

It made me realize just HOW important having that queer community is. The way that I feel around them; safe, happy, seen, appreciated, and acknowledged is SO important and before than I had really only felt community online which its similar to living off of nothing but tofu. It does fill you up technically but its not the same as a steak. 

I was able to leave the house with them, go to events where there were other queer people around. Suddenly I wasn't afraid to leave the house or be seen. Because I knew that I would get hurt physically or emotionally around those people. 

Its been one full year since I've met them and they've changed my life so much. I will always be grateful for them and I will always be grateful to my mother who never gave up on me and knew the entire time it was never a phase, it was just fear of society controlling my actions and life. 

This years pride feels different to me. I finally understand the true meaning to the word "community" and how important it is. 

I will be going to my very first large scale pride event on July 11th. I am so excited because for the first time ever I FEEL queer in my heart fully and openly. I of course am only acting and looking that way around that one friend and my parents still, I'm still living in that same town and around those same people but it feels less threatening knowing its not EVERYONE in the world like that. 

Im Olive. Im gender fluid and queer. I deserve sunshine.