GG No Heals

Guys, I just have to talk about my new crush. Yes, yes, I know there's so much else to yap about, but this is my page! I'm the Avatar, and you gotta deal with it (or don't) [as]. 

Starting off strong: He's my coworker. Even better, he's leaving in mid-August. So I wouldn't personally say that's the matchup of the century; nevertheless, having such a "temporary" person in my life really makes me think: huh, my actions don't really have consequences, do they? I mean, of course, they do, but he's not going to stay here, and we're probably not going to know each other 6 months from now. Soooooooo, what's the issue? His eventual absence is bittersweet. It's reaffirming. It's the little voice that says: YES, YOU SEND THAT TEXT! YES, ASK TO HANG OUT! YES, TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL. And guess what, y'all. I DID send a text. I DID ask to hang out. But I may or may not be stuck on the "tell him how you feel" part.

I asked him if he'd be down to hang out outside of work and was pleasantly surprised when he said yes. Like, dude, I can't describe how much tweaking I was doing. I kept stalling sending the text, and once it was delivered, I tossed my phone across my room and didn't check it, even when I got a notification of his reply. AHhhhhhHHHhhH. We get along nicely, but I'm so used to things not working out and looking like a fool. It's almost as if I can't fathom myself not being miserable for a millisecond lmao. 

But yeahh, I gotta talk more about him before I explode:

The first meeting was pretty standard. I seriously have to work on addressing everyone in a room when I enter. When my shift started, I just clocked in and got to work. T.T I didn't even get a good look at him, aside from immediately noticing that he was WAY on the younger side. For reference, I'm officially the 2nd-youngest among everyone. The youngest just quit after getting a better job offer (I'm so proud of him). So the next youngest, my female coworker, is now the youngest at 18, and I'm older by a month (also 18).  Uhh, so yeah, I'm working, blah blah, and one thing I notice is that he works with me and insists on tag-teaming things that don't really need to be tag-teamed. It made me happy, actually, especially coz the guy that he replaced was notorious for bossing me around and going outside to smoke for most of the shift. Guilherme and I had the most basic talks, though: school, college, future, do I like the job, blah blah. In response to school, I mentioned how I graduated, and he yapped a bit, revealing that he went to my school and graduated two years ago. In short, I was a bit baffled throughout most of his talk; he'd named off the same people I talked with at school and mentioned going to the mariachi concerts. I was like, "that's so cool!" but really, I was more fixated on the fact that we HAD to have been around each other at one point. That's the cool part, to me. Anyways, I lowkey forgot what he did for college. It's something industrial-supply adjacent O.o (I swear I listen). But he seemed pretty down to listen to my endeavors with music, which will probably end in flames, but whatever. I enjoyed going back and forth with him, trying to guess what a viola was, haha. The future talk came a little later, but I mentioned that I'm entirely neutral about the job because it's so easy, and I straight-up said the worst part was the pay. Speaking of pay: I've been scheduled absolutely none this month! How! It's LITERALLY SUMMER! Please let me work! I have nothing else to do!! (a bit off topic). 

Actually, screw the topic. I feel like yappin about this dude is jus' gonna encourage more and more circular thinking.

Coz I could go on and on and on about what doesn't matter: how his beanine is secretly a ski mask, how his eyes are so round and clear, yet contrasted by dark lashes (that look like mascara), and how smiley he is whenever someone talks to him. Because my gosh, he is actually the biggest cheeser and has quite the set of teeth. Physical traits aside, though, other things stand out to me. For example, I appreciate how he always asks me if I'm hungry. Just like notices when my habits are a little different: handwriting changes, the way I set up trays, and when I wear a beanie instead of a hat. I think that's nice and all, but the worst feeling is knowing how all that literally doesn't matter if the homeboy is simply just a nice person. Wait, I'll take that back! I love nice people. And I'm cool with him being just a nice person. But truthfully, it's not what I'm hoping for. Maybe I would like to be on his mind the same way he occupies mine. Maybe I'd like to be "that girl" to him, the way he pops into my head whenever a corny Instagram reel mentions "that boy." 

Three days ago, I'd asked him to hang out. He said he's free and suggested a low-cortisol activity, and I suggested the place be a cat lounge. He agreed (hooray!) but said this week was a bad time because he was pet-sitting for a friend. Now, I should've taken my yes and ran, but a little birdie told me to hit him up again! Grhar! It was so unnecessary, and the message sits on delivered to this day grrrr. I'll learn eventually. The text chat was super one-sided, which makes me worry about the mismatched interests, but talking irl is also mismatched because he's way more of a yapper than I am (in the context of talking to each other). euhghh i die. I wish i could just know things sometimes. 

this is totally a learning experience though. I have to remember: at the end of the day, I will be a-ok if things don't go exactly the way i envision them. 

i just fear exposing myself and sayign something so finite. If I clarify how I feel, I can't back out of that. That's the opposite of the whole point of clarifying. And to the whole "don't date your coworkers" thing, it's honestly not the end of the world. I will not keep this job. The pay is too low and I'm just here to be qualified to do something better >;3