job searching while at work

LOL. so yes. It Is Happening. 

the job market being ass has been the largest mental block for me but i am trying Very Hard to not operate on a scarcity mindset.

i also think i have a bit of an imposter syndrome when it comes to career and "knowing what im doing" i know that in reality no one truly is sure of what they're doing - i was able to tackle my backlog of things that i needed to get done over the past couple of months (bc this job is unpredictable and since the beginning i've gone from one end of the spectrum to being half corpo half grounds person to fully just being at the desk) 

BUT 

man if i dont have anything occupying my brain it gets a little scary figuring out the direction of which i need to go. the task paralysis is crazy. i know many can relate and im not on my own but when you're just staring at it and its in your face its hard to just be like . Yay <3

i've been spending the past week trying to go internally on what it is i want to do or achieve or feel because a bit lot of it is that I Feel I Have To Do This Specific Thing to get that and i genuinely forget that the world is so vast and reality can be what we will it to be and that it is so important to stay and reinforce positivity (obviously not toxic positivity) but something that can be the baseline to carry us through the normalcy of Life Just Lifing 

any whomst !!!! im trying to figure it out and hoping to use this spacehey account to aid in that (also doesnt help i havent seen my therapist in a Second.) 

still trying to be vauge but also no but yes because Still Have to Practice Internet Safety and this is the most i've really posted on the interwebs since i was younger (aside from priv accounts) but figured rambling out there would help a fellow mid-20's soul find solace that they are not alone.

hm also really wanna deactivate my mainstream media accs for a month to see if that'll help in recalibrating and recentering shit........... because there are a good handful of people on socmed that make me feel like i have to cover my ass bc they're staring Directly at it (and not in a sexy way, in a I Have To Put Up Wards If you Keep Trying To Monitor Me In a Non Supportive Way- cause i am not about that weird vibe- say hi to me if you wanna say hi to me!!!) and on here i feel like i can just say whatever and it be fine 

(could be wrong since theres always someone watching, and if u r say it hi :3)

but i feel less of a pressure to Perform here (which i know to be cringe is to be free and i should not GAF bout shit but Did I mention I was in my Mid-20's) which makes sense cause only the dev and the actual spacehey acc follow/are friends with me on here KEKW...

buuuuuuut who knows i may private my blog entries and operate that way but for now i want to have the illusion of Not Being Percieved and slightly not gaffing (like low thoughts but head not empty, im trying to go hard into validating my thot thought daughter badge to myself)

maybe later on i will resign to not giving Any Sort of Fuck regardless of what im doing and trying to achieve but while many things are in the process and progress of doing. i will keep my peace and stay a little (like A LITTLE) incognito mode. (ik this blog isnt really that incognito but whatevs- you get what i mean.) 

Anywhomst. Gotta do what we gotta do, knthnxbai! :o)