blogging!

this one time my older brother and his friend interviewed me. 2012? 2013. at this time my brother would've been... a sophomore in college? so id have been about 10. we were sat in a local coffee shop and im in this big cushioned chair drinking the cup of mostly whipped cream and caramel that they bribed me with. at some point in the interview my brothers best friend goes "and if you could have one thing in the world what would that be" i answered something like "someone to talk to? some one my age to talk to and hang out with..." well. im sure you'll understand why the two of them looked at each other and then to me and went "you mean? like a friend?" i cant even remember which of the two said this to me now but there was also a "that is so sad" i guess  it could be pretty sad. i think i was a sad kid in general. there are pictures of me looking pissy and practically every birthday party and Christmas event and summer vacation. i think its also possible i wasn't so much a sad kid as i was a miserable one. i figure some  people are born that way. miserable kid to miserable adult. and still that feels harsh. is there a word for mundanely miserable passively pissy? in any case im not particularly happy. and we can be sure there's many different explanations as for why that may be of course. but im at least at a point where i would like to be happy. i feel like a zombie, i can see my life happening but im not in it. you cant relive a single day of this and you're wasting it. have been wasting it. how do you dig yourself out of that? i have friends now. im a different person now. im an adult now. so why don't i know myself better? why am i afraid of being alive? who am i capable of being? there's no way to start this any earlier either. just to start at all has to be good. so yeah. and now im typing this out instead of writing it down in a journal because my handwriting sucks and my hand cramps too easily. and also because this way feels much more like sending a message in a bottle? who would find this? who would care? would i care if they cared? doesn't matter cause all my feelings are out there and r no longer any of my business.