Damned to loving you

my love for you is the core of my agony. yet it’s my only remedy, my only motivation in life. i can’t help hating you, hating the way you made a fool out of me. but if you were to be back in my arms, i wouldn’t mind making a fool out of myself for the second time. i’m willing to be damned to loving you. i accept my sentence. i did so last night when i accepted you into my room, and hence back into my heart.

i’ve tried to fight back against my damnation. i truly did. i tried finding you among a hundred other guys, to no avail. perhaps that was my mistake. there’s no one like you. i don't want others, i want you. only you.

and perhaps that's how you feel too? I can't help thinking of you as the Heathcliff to my Catherine. Corny, cringe? yes. I know you hate me, but i know you hate yourself more for still wanting me. I saw the pain in your eyes last night. you couldn't bring yourself to be rough. though you promised me we weren't making love. the gentleness of your touch agonized me more than any of the roughness you could've possibly inflicted. i've missed your touch so greatly. i tried to greedly savour it all. it seemed that our distance only made my heart grow fonder, and last night was the confirmation.

you're truly a cruel man, a cruel, cruel man, Mel. i dont even want those damned labels, lord knows I hate them. labels are temporary. what i want is to be so engraved into your heart, that the thought of a life without me is an even worse a damnation than a future with me. you needn't love me. just- just don't leave me. you know i hate being left alone. but you didn't heed my one and only wish. you left me. all by myself. before even the roosters were awoken. what kind of man are you?

Jean is pursuing me. i'm thinking of saying yes. my granny said i was a wicked woman. that i was ruining his life. but honestly, i dont care. he's stable. i am damned to loving you. i think thats enough of a punishment for my wickedness. he'll not leave me, that'll be my source of comfort when met with your wickedness. granny was perhaps right, but his life won't be the only life im ruining.

we shall have a daughter, and just as you have left me alone in my damnation, she'll leave your son damned to loving her. mark my words. i'm not the woman i claim to be if i'm not to repay you. i'll continue to haunt you, mark my words. my damnation will follow your children for generations. it won't end with us.

may god have mercy on you and your generation, because I certainly won't. i won't rest till i have gotten my vengeance. i'd rather jump off a cliff, dragging you with me, than to see you happy, happy with someone else, someone who isn't me. why, why not me??? am i not good enough? that's how deeply i love you mel. i love you enough to self-destruct. life without you isn't worth living. i'd rather us be damned to live in hell together than to be separated in this lifetime.

I know you love me too. I know. But I love you more.