Starting Over

I hope these blog entries replace the late nights in a dorm room crying over the memories that could have been if I hadn't left so early, or the homesickness I have to carry through every single day, the burden of responsibility, but everything happens for a reason, doesn't it? I'm told it's for the best or for my character development, or that I get to have good things out of the sacrifice, but sometimes I wish I hadn't made the decision. I had to leave a country I've lived in all my life, I had to leave a place I've grown up in for 6 years. I made friends, best friends even, a life, a reputation for myself. Now I have to start over.

I left for college earlier than anyone or myself expected. I've known since around October of last year, before I left in January, and the number of times I had to hold myself back from telling my closest friends hurt me every single time. Maybe we would've done things differently, maybe we would've taken more photos, maybe we would've hung out a little more before I had to go. 

I remember the last day I was at school was at the annual winter show.  I had told some of my teachers and school admins, some tears were shed here and there by others, but for some reason, I held mine back. It didn't hit me until I realized it was actually time to go. I was packing my bags, saying goodbye, and getting on the plane. It was already over by the time I stepped foot into the airport. My life in Egypt was over. I was starting a new one in the United Kingdom. No friends, no family, just a 16-year-old with a boarding ticket who was told to pack her entire life into two suitcases and one carry-on. To this day, I have no idea how I managed to do that. 

I miss my mom. I miss lying down on her lap and talking to her about my day, yapping about every detail, even if some of those weren't important. I miss being with her in the car and debating on some topic she found interesting. I miss when S☆ and I had planned a hangout for weeks and my mom would be the one to pick me up from the garden at like 11PM on a school night. She'd lecture me about staying up late, that I had to get home earlier to wake up early for school. She was always right. I'd always be cranky while styling my hair before leaving the house to go to school... but it was always worth it. Some of my best memories were with S☆. I miss her a lot, too. 

 I never really liked most of my classmates; they were boring... our conversations were tasteless, and we never clicked. There was always an argument here and there; it was childish. Why were we arguing over mundane things in our last year together? I always thought they were more mature than that. Whatever. S☆ joined senior year right when it started, and, to be honest, I think she's one of the closest people I have in my life right now. I had never clicked with someone this fast... we have similar and different interests. We have different perspectives on topics, but I think that makes our friendship even better. I love listening to people talk about the things they love, even if I hate it.

It's beautiful when a person has a different perspective from mine. I'm always so so curious to know why... S☆ makes it more interesting too. Our childhoods are so different, and our friendships with others are, too, especially with some of our schoolmates. I realized many things through her perspective, I don't think I ever would if I stuck to my own eyes instead of hers. I think she's such a breath of fresh air to the environment I've been so used to; the people are usually so mundane or the same personalities in different fonts or something, or maybe no font at all. just the same. I think that's why some people were a bit taken aback of how active or high-spirited she was in school, because they're not used to someone who, like me, also speaks up for the things they believe in, or expresses themselves in the ways she does. They all suck to be honest... I'm glad I got out of there. I'm glad she did, too. 

People still reach out, albeit some, not all. Sometimes it's the people you, in theory, weren't as close to as friends, or sometimes it's a best friend here and there. Sometimes, the people you expect the most to reach out end up not reaching out at all.

My high school graduation is in a few weeks, a chapter that's yet to be closed. Something I've looked out for since I was in elementary school. The cap and gown adjusting, getting ready with your classmates backstage, the few nervous breaths before your speech, and walking across that stage. For those last few years, all I thought about was those moments. I saw those TikToks of the class of 2020 kids complaining about not being able to go to their graduation, and to be honest, I thought it wasn't that serious. It was a pandemic; they didn't have to stretch out their complaining too long. They couldn't do much about it anyway.

Maybe it was me being careless because I really thought I was going to attend mine. Things went a bit sideways, though. They had changed the date too many times. The first date was fine.. I was going to fly over and stay for a couple of days to attend while doing my finals, since most of them were online or whatever, then I'll go back. Things would be disrupted, for sure. I don't think I would've focused on my tests much due to the flights and all the traveling stuff, but I would've made it work. It was me closing the longest chapter of my life, why say no if you had the opportunity to do it?

Every time they would change the date, I would have to keep informing the university of the change, which was honestly kind of awkward in front of them that my high school couldn't pick a date to stick with, but whatever. After they finally chose a date, I went to the university expecting that they would probably agree or whatnot, but this time it didn't work out. I have to stay in the UK around that period since some of the exams were presentation style or something, so I had to be with my peers to get the final grade. Ouch.

I'm not sure how everything's going to go now. Maybe things will work out, maybe not. I wish I knew, but all I can do now is wait. 

Feels like I've been waiting for forever. 

For things to stop going wrong, for me to get used to this change. I don't know if I ever will. Friends don't stay, happiness doesn't stay, and even experiences and memories fade eventually. Everything's always changing. I guess I have to change, too.