I don't really believe compliments towards me honestly XD

Multiple times ive been complimented after i decided to take care of myself (aka become a makeupcel, dress up more, got some bangs to cover my ksi forehead) but i don't truly believe them, for example;

i was in the mall sitting on one of those showcase mannequin area and one of the workers started walking up to me, i expected em' to tell me to sit somewhere else but she said something along the lines of "you look so pretty!" ...and my mind went blank and thankfully my brain went on autopilot mode and i thanked her and said "noooo!! you look sm prettier! i love your hairrrr" as i noticed her beautiful brownish-red wolfcut stood out to me

and then after.. what felt like hours.. (it was only an hour) my mum finally said "lets go home, i didnt find anything worth to buy" and finally when we reached home i looked in the mirror while changing back to sum comfy shi and remembered what that super cool woman said.. 

ehh.. i just brushed it off thinking it's just something people say to be kind.. or nice, but pondered a bit and realized that i have never taken any compliments especially towards my appearance seriously, i would totally appreciate if someone mentioned how weird i am, or that my gaming shooting accuracy is real good, but i just hate when someone mentions my looks, even to say something nice i just feel that its fake ykwim? it's not that im feeling shy, i just find it hard to believe them considering im below average-ish according to my country's beauty standards.

unfortunately, no matter how many reddit rabbit-holes i dive into about "self-love", ive only believed in the bad things people have said about me as the "truth" throughout my life, i remembered all the mean remarks from my own friends years ago and after a long time, i noticed that really hurts my self-confidence. maybe i hate my own face because it reminds me of him? (maybe for another blog..)

but lately i realized that i matter too, not in a narcissistic way, but im human too, and i deserve to be happy, and yes, i believe that same girl a few years ago who was tall and scrawny, who had yellow braces, a low taper-fade, and always rage-quit Minecraft pvps, deserved to feel beautiful.

and no matter how i look, how "mature" i am, ill fix my mindset and slowly let go of the horrible things people have said and learn to love myself before anyone else, so i can become a good example to my younger sister and other people who were victims to skinny-shaming in the future, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, my post could be relatable to another person whos inner child never felt "beautiful/handsome".