Does anyone relate to this?(Dont read if you are easily disturbed alr? )

Hi it's KJ(I do not know how to smoothly transition to greetings to main topics srry)

Sometimes I have this feeling,some kind of melancholy some kind of numbness with it.I have many marvelous,perfect,pretty,understanding,caring,sweet(Okay I stop it sorry) friends and even though I'm surrounded with them...I feel so lonely..It does'nt matter how much they are there talking,laughing,making jokes,being friends,caring about you...the loneliness does not leave it's just there down in my gut sometimes stinging my brain,aching my heart,pinching my lungs,suffocating my stomach.It's been like this for years ever since I started school(since kindergarten) the feeling never left.I felt like I was diffrent..too diffrent.And I didnt have anybody to relate to that.I had friends yes but they never treated me like I was their friends truly..maybe I was just their snack to feed on when the others acted like they were diffrent which never lasted long they were good with them again..but..honestly I never had someone who'd choose me first,someone who had me first in mind as a friend.I yearned for that someone,at some point I gave up,at some point I had hope and at some point I was so disapointed..I think I was so desperate for someone like that I lost who I was.Seriously I do not know who I am,there's nobody who I can call "me" in this brain.I got into a billion shapes just to fit into that one person that one someone cares for truly,could be just a friend.And yet I failed a billion times.I've felt so lonely for so long I had started feeling hatred for my non existent self.I hated myself for so so so long I started feeling like nobody actually liked me.I'm being serious..I started looking at things completely diffrent.I felt like the people who were being friendly and caring towards me were just being pitiful..like they were just feeling sorry or something..I'm trying to recover from everything...It's really hard.I'm sorry if you sense this like as if I'm trying to get attention but this is the farthest courage I could gather to write this about myself.And to be honest this isnt close to all of what I'm going through probably neither for others too.At least thank you for giving your time to reading this.It's been easy to listen to others vent and comfort them..but it's hard to vent for yourself and also hard to comfort yourself when others arent present..I just wanted to write about this and maybe spread awareness for maybe a few people atleast...Thanks again and Sorry for maybe being such an annoying sh*t if you think about me like that :( I'm really sorry...