some of my experiences as a trans man!

the first time i tried to draft this blog, i realized that i had quite a bit to say about being trans.. and not all of it belongs on the internet if i'm being completely honest. i don't want this entry to be an entire autobiography, so i think i'll just stick to talking about some of the experiences i've had in life that have been affected by me being transgender.

for some background: i'm a 17 y/o transgender man who came out when i was around 11. i started socially transitioning around that time, and eventually started hormone blockers when i was 13 (which, later this year i will most likely be off of), and testosterone when i was 14. there's been a lot of specific experiences that i've had because of my gender, so i thought that in celebration of pride month i share some aspects of my journey.

(please keep in mind that not all transgender people have the same experiences, feelings, and reactions to some of the things i will be describing. this is just MY experience)

i think one of the things that i hardly hear about from other trans people is what it's like to be on hormone blockers. for those who are unaware, it's this implant that they put in your arm (much like birth control implants) that stops either your ovaries or testes from creating sex hormones that cause puberty. this helps the patient either start taking hormones to begin puberty that better aligns with their gender, or gives them extra time to figure out their identity if they're unsure if they want to medically transition or not. it's completely reversible (if done AFTER puberty has started), and the implant usually needs to be replaced every two years or so. i haven't seen many people talk about it online (or offline), but i think its effects should still be touched upon.

for afabs, starting hormone blockers essentially puts you into menopause, which is extremely weird to acknowledge. i'm a teenage boy going through a bodily process that only really happens to middle-aged women. i get hot flashes almost hourly, and it just feels bizarre simultaneously going through male puberty with testosterone AND experiencing symptoms of menopause. this also makes me extra sweaty unfortunately :,) . what's annoying is the fact that there's not too much research on how to manage or stop hot flashes or other symptoms that come with menopause, and it's not exactly easy explaining to someone how you technically need some of the same advice given to women over twice your age. i feel like with puberty, you're at least surrounded by other people who are going through similar experiences that you're going through. i haven't been able to relate to any of my peers regarding hot flashes at all.. which can feel a little alienating at times. although i'm very happy that i don't have to deal with periods anymore.

speaking of peers, it's SO HARD to tell if some people can tell if you're trans or not. i go to a smaller school, but not small enough to the point that i know everyone in my grade from elementary school. i also transitioned before i started middle school, so there was a large amount of people who just didn't know me before i transitioned. that being said, i have had some unpleasant encounters with people in school. 

during the first few weeks on 7th grade, i got followed on my way back home by this one kid in the grade ahead of me a few times after i called him out for bothering a 6th grader about being queer. he said that he knew me from years prior, and kept on bothering me about how trans people like me are gross and that i wasn't a real man. he also threatened to call the cops on me one time?? i've also been harassed in locker rooms before. i remember this one guy watching me change out for volleyball and saying repeatedly "that's a girl bro that's not a guy", or something along those lines. it was weird, but not many people actually bothered me too much about it. either i passed well enough for them not to assume anything, or they just didn't care. my teachers were also nice about it, so thankfully i didn't have any bad experiences with faculty or anything like that.

i've only had one bad "encounter" in high school, which was in the end of freshman year. a group of people who i had some classes with in middle school ended up talking about me in a group chat, calling me an "it" and sharing photos of my yearbook photo from 7th grade (which had the wrong first name AND last name!!!). most of the stuff they said was relatively lukewarm, just talking about how i was weird and implying trans people are less than human. they also called me a furry for some reason? which.. i'm not a furry? i'm not sure where they got that from, but either way it was a weird experience. there might've been other stuff they said, but i don't have the screenshots right now.. i might update this later with more details if i do end up finding them.

although all of the encounters i've described so far have just been with basically strangers, i have had some of my relationships with my family members deteriorate after coming out. my half-sister (and the majority of my dad's side of the family) is an example. it happened shortly after i had started hormone blockers, and a few weeks before Christmas. my mom said that she wanted to tell my sister that i had started medically transitioning, and that i was going by a new name. considering that she and her family were very religious, i said that i didn't think it was a great idea to tell them that. however, my mom decided to give her a call one day and tell her what had been happening with me.

i wasn't there during the phone call, but according to my mom, she was pretty mad. she started going off about how hormone blockers were dangerous (they're not, unless your doctor is incompetent), and that she was making a big mistake. i don't know all of the details, but what i do know is that we were uninvited from a Christmas dinner with some of my extended family because of the fact that i was trans. it wasn't our main celebration for Christmas, thankfully, and i didn't hear about what happened until a few months after the fact. that was over three years ago, and i haven't heard from her family since.

another set of trans-altered experiences that i've had are also regarding sports. i wanted to do waterpolo during high school, but due to schedule conflicts and the fact that i can't really wear a speedo, i decided on not doing it. i loved swimming growing up, and i'm kind of sad that i haven't been able to as much ever since i transitioned. it's just too much of a hassle. however, i did do volleyball for two years of high school, which weren't great experiences but also weren't the worst, either. i wasn't outwardly bullied or anything, but it kind of felt like i wasn't a true part of the team. it could've also been because i was bad at the game, but who knows? all i can really say about that is that men's locker rooms are ALL nasty. whenever i think about the people who say that being trans is a choice, i think "why would someone purposefully make themselves a target for discrimination AND have to endure the most vile, heinous conditions that men's facilities are usually in?" more cis men need to be taught how to not be slobs (side note: on the topic of men's facilities being dirty, there have been two separate instances during my time in high school where there was poop smeared either on the walls or on the floor of the boys' bathroom).

being trans has been difficult for me at times. i sometimes wish that i was born cis, so my life would be easier and i wouldn't have to worry about my safety in certain areas and trivial things, like bathrooms or whether or not a certain piece of clothing accentuates my body too much. however, i do think that being trans does have its benefits. i don't feel pressured to follow conventional gender norms all of the time, since i recognize that all of it is bullshit. i have insight as to what it's like growing up as a woman and living as a man. it feels good to not feel bound to certain heteronormative expectations.

if you've made it this far, thanks for taking the time to hear me out. it means a lot to me :) . if i think of any other experiences, i might upload them here. happy pride month everyone!!!