BORING LOSER

I’m a boring loser but not like those losers that are weird watch cartoons and all ( yes I also do that but this si not the subject) I am boring I do not know how to talk and what to talk about with humans I think that this is because I am autistic but not only that people that are autistic just like me are not boring they have friends interests and a social life at the same time while being an introvert each time I’m around and acquaintance  or not a close friend ( I do not have close friends) I do not know what to talk about and I think that human interactions are boring like especially popular people but not only them also the not so popular between the intelligent people or idk I think that communication isn't this much necessary in today's society BUT I still want to make friends and talk to people like everyone else but I think this would mean changing myself but I do not want to change so this is a viscous sycle where I never win I also feel like I am an attention and love seeker probably because I didn't have much in my childhood i am a middle child and I have 3 siblings so I understand that it is hard for my parents to give me the attention I need I also feel like my parents do not love me like their love is forced toward me ( and also my little sister but she is loved by my mom and not by my dad ) like they love my older sister and younger brother ( and my mom my little sister) but i feel that the one they have toward me is quite forcedjust so I wouldn't feel neglected, like I said I'm and attention seeker but I do not do much about ut like sometimes I lie or exagerate something or talk about something even though that it is not the perfect moment but I am trying to fix that I feel like when I am writing this blig I am also seeking attention from strangers also I feel like sometimes I am not attention seeking but I still feel like I am ok that all what I say is contradictory but I feel like I al blaming myself while knowing it is not my fault than blaming myself again because I stopped blaming myself my

If you did not understand, I know why all I say is contradictory and makes no sence