when did you get so cold

i make a hinge 
after we break up 
but i fall asleep not 
bringing myself to 
look at anyone 
else. 

when i wake up the next day my
stomach twists in pain so intense 
and it doubles when i remember,
so i delete the app and cry as i run 
late for my doctor’s appointment. 

i miss you so much when i wake up,
like something is missing inside of me. 
i hate myself for letting you become a 
part of me.

i cry on the receptionist when i’m 13
minutes late and she feels so bad 
that she gets me in anyways. the 
doctor offers to hug me and i take 
it: you can’t fathom how much it
has to take me to want a stranger
to hug me. i wanted it to be you 
and i even believed you would 
hold me one day. i should know 
better. 

i charged my noise canceling headphones
just to hear your voice before it happened. 
the next day i’m crying and go to mute 
myself - and it hurts even more when i
realize we’re not on the phone. it feels wrong. 
i didn’t realize how much i liked your voice inside 
of my own silence until i think about how i was just
an intrusion into yours. 

the half xanax i took earlier 
does nothing to me. so i get home 
and climb back into my blanket to 
cry and cry and cry, falling asleep 
inside the warm of it because 
i can’t stop shaking. it puts pressure
onto my already weak legs, but my
mind makes my body numb. there's
pain

when i move when i breathe when i think of you. 

i’m worried of the weight i’ll lose from stress. 
i wish you had been better. it’s all i wanted. 
and now my body will turn against me even
though i love you so much. even though i’m
not sure if you deserve it. even though i want
you to. 

i thought you loved me enough that i could be 
someone worth holding onto: your words and 
feelings mean too much to me, and it hurts
a small part of me i thought i could protect. 
a small part of my heart that believed i could
be important enough for you to want 
to protect. 

i deleted my hinge faster than i made it
out of pain and hurt: the only one i wanted 
to talk to was you. 

i can’t wait because you won’t for me, 
you’re too scared and you’ll find someone
maybe worthy enough of staying for in a way
i wasn’t. i stopped being your escape a while 
ago. i’ve been scared of you too before, but
not like this. it’s the relief i might feel when i
hear your voice again. 

all i ever do is wait and wait 
wanting people who never hold me 
in their heart the way i do. 

i was thinking of leaving before this. i didn’t:
desperate naive hope that love was enough 
for you to stay even when it got hard. 

disgusting naivety 
lives within me always 
i wish i wouldn’t be this way. 

i hoped
that you would
hope back with me

i was scared to trust you
but i did regardless: it’s 
starting to feel like i’m
a man’s stepping stone,
like i only exist to move 
on from. they hurt me to
the point of self realization 
but never seem to hold onto
me in their hearts. 

i was such a fool. 

i hope you find in
everyone else what 
you couldn’t find 
in me. 

© 2026 jude rigor
a/n - i lowkey dont like this, the ending is bad