I'm so, so tired

Trigger warning: implied sui thoughts.

I won't be describing into further details about it, but it will be heavily implied in this blog post. I am writing this without drafting or double checking, so there may be spelling mistakes and errors, and my thoughts are all over the place. Please proceed with kindness and caution.




I thought everything has been going fine for the past couple of weeks, then out of nowhere, a heavy weight of burden and sadness affected me so badly. At that moment, I felt helpless, convinced the future's already bleak, that everything's already pointless. I was basically heaving from how hard I was cry and it went on for hours. I had to forcefully make myself read a certain website just to keep myself grounded. I don't know how long I was reading for, but it felt like hours, mindlessly reading a stranger's letter on the internet, providing comfort and hope to people like me who needed it.

I must admit, I still don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life. Ever since I could remember, my parents (mainly my mom) always guided me, telling me what to do. And though it wasn't easy to always follow their rules, I've always been a good and quiet kid that did it without talking back nor questioning everything. But when I grew up and passed middle school, that's when their guidance has eased up until it totally stopped. By then, I am heavily dependent on them, waiting for their guidance and listening to their opinions. I was heavily sheltered when I was a kid, I don't remember most of my childhood except staying indoors, using the computer, and surfing the web 24/7.

Up until now, I'm not so sure what exactly I want for my life. Everyone around me had big dreams and goals to achieve (and I'm truly happy for them, too). I've always wondered when it will be my turn. I also know that sitting around and daydreaming of what my life could've been isn't helping, so I'm doing the best that I can by overcoming the failures and doubts I've had. I've made plenty of lists, written down on planners, and making little goals that I could easily achieve everyday so I could do better. Every now and then, I'll be consumed by negatiivty and I'll be back to square one. I've also convinced myself that big changes don't happen overnight; it takes time, I'm sure, but how long will I have to wait? I have basically everything, and despite having financial struggles, they've given me good education, too. So what went wrong with me? Why am I like this now? It's like I've wasted all of their effort, money, and time just to see me fail in the end.

Today, I feel like I'm letting the days drift by, without doing anything meaningful or doing anything to change my ways. I'm always in a constant fight and turmoil with my own self; constantly trying to convince myself that I'm slowly recovering and being a better me, while my other self would wallow in self pity and sadness. I've also considered what life would be for others around me when I'm not here anymore. The world would continue to turn, their lives wouldn't change much, it would be just another ordinary day for them. I've always felt like I'm running out of time; "reseting" my life and goals just feel too late for me. I don't know. After a long cry, the feeling of sadness would be replaced by mere emptiness and numbness. And the cycle repeats again.

How much longer do I have to experience this? Will it ever end?