Hey it’s been 4 years still don’t know how to blog but I promise I’ll be dedicated this time!

It’s so odd how time works. As a kid you feel like everything goes so slow but then in a blink of an eye you’re not a kid anymore. Fuck you’re barely a teenager anymore the closer I get to 20 the more I start to panic about not having everything figured out. I’ve dreamt of being this age and having the freedom I do yet I spent so much time dreaming and dissociating. I forgot to gain any real life skills. I’ll admit, I give myself grace, but you would too, if you knew what I’ve had to endure. It’s so funny because I always catch myself feeling like a sour wine of self pity ready to serve myself up anytime anyone gives me the opportunity too. Yet when it comes down to it, I can never get the whole truth out.. I’ve told a couple close friends who knew me when everything went down the truth and then again it’s only because everything in my life’s changed and they would’ve been asking questions anyway. I find myself feeling so guilty for wanting to tell anyone new in my life about past trauma even if its stuff that shaped me into who i am and explains some of my behavior.. I think this wall and lack of vulnerability is why I need to blog more than ever. I’m too scared to tell people in my life how I feel, I feel like I’m posing or trying to be someone else when I journal. I genuinely need somewhere.Even if its just a small corner of the internet, where I can be myself without being scared of judgement, or having any outside input to morph me back into a chameleon. I see it as a type of exposure therapy in the form of hiding behind a screen, that still has my socials linked to it. So I’m not fully anonymous yet nobody who knows me will find this…unless truly searching and frankly I don’t think I’m significant enough for anyone to search me…yet if they do welcome and sorry I could never be this honest in person.