Dependency (or the lack there of)

I'm nowhere near a perfect person, and as of late I've been trying to be more open about my struggles with BPD.  For example, I am no means a relationship person. Platonic and romantic.

I find it hard being around a singular person for a long period of time. Let's say we're constantly talking. Always on the phone, always texting, always hanging out 24/7. If there's no breaks in between that then I am going to break. I will get to the point where I can't be around anyone. I just want time to be by myself and alone with my thoughts. It's not because I hate you. It's partly because I'm sad and don't know what to do with my life. I just need a break from being around people, because it exhausts me. Especially with the romantic relationships I’ve been in. A lot of the relationships I found myself in were very heavily dependent on always being on the phone.

All of my past boyfriends would be like:

“Hey, I'm heading to bed. Let's do a sleep call.”

“Oh, hey, I'm at work, but I'll stay on call with you.”

“Hey, I'm at school. I'm gonna mute.”

So we're always calling with each, always texting, always sending stuff, always checking up on each other. And if you are in a relationship it's expected to always check up and be around your significant other. It made me feel like an asshole when I didn’t wanted to constantly be on the phone texting and calling. Eventually that pent up need for space would build up and I’d end up having a breakdown, block them, and avoid everyone around me for weeks.

It had a really big impact on me where it seemed more like a chore to always be around this person rather than, “oh, I'm so happy to talk to my boyfriend.” With every single relationship I have been in it ended because I went MIA.

I didn't call, I didn't text, I didn't communicate that needed space which is my biggest problem.

If you need space or a break from a person, communicate that.

I wouldn't say anything and it'd be weeks on end of zero response. Either I'd come back and say, “hey, I can't do this. I need space, I can't be in relationships. I'm sorry,” or my friends would have to jump and explain for me.

Looking back I was really a dramatic, I still kind of am, but that's the thing with growing up. It’s realizing that you can't do that shit. Because if it’s hurting you it’s also hurting the other person (which is something I want to scream at my younger self.) 

Every time I jumped into a relationship, it would always end in the same way of “it's not the other person”. It really wasn't them. It was me.

It's not healthy.

For both parties.

Even when I took those breaks I was constantly thinking about the other person. I was always thinking about them because I felt so attached to them in a way that I needed to be around them. I needed to know that they were there (which is why always on the phone, always talking, always in communications with each other, because I felt if I'm away from this person I am going to break. If this person leaves me it'll truly shatter me.) It would kind of feed both ways to where “I need this person, I don't want them to leave me” and“this person needs me and I don't want to leave them.” They're both feeding this unhealthy dynamic of “you can't be without me. I can't be without you. So let's just stay like this.”

It's that kind of intensity that shouldn't be so normalize in a relationship. A heavily romanticized concept of we need each other so much. We can't live without each other. But what happens whenever you guys are apart? This ties back to whenever I leave and I take that break for myself without any explanation to the other person it makes you wonder how badly that affects them. It's going affect them tremendously because the whole thing of we need each other to survive.

So even whenever I'm taking time for myself, I'm not really doing this for myself. I'm still thinking about the other person. So nothing really changed. I've just put a wall between us. For no apparent reason. Because I'm still thinking about them. You see what I'm trying to get at? That's the funny thing about my past relationships. I look back at many of my old ones and I regret how they end so bad, and I regret it even more knowing that it's all my fault. Like, every single last one has been my fault. It’s all my fuck up. I can only hope that I learn from my past mistakes and stay tf out of relationships until I learn to properly communicate my needs.

I never had the words to describe why I felt this way or pinpoint why this stuff is hard for me.

Here's some cool art.

I don't know.