Mommy Issues

Just had a call with mom. We talked about a bunch of stuff. She told me about a recent incident she had, where she was signing up for a check up at a private clinic without asking anything about the procedure and especially how much it'll cost (cus, look at the economy bru) and by the time they ALREADY got her blood sample, she just find out then that it was preetttttty costly and she told me she just bailed outta that mf and swears to never came back again, cus, she literally didn't pay a single rupiah. She's in DEBT. But the clinic didn't contact her or anything which is odd but it's good i guess? She ended up getting a check up at the general hospital which was free. 

When i hear it, i realize my mom's not really better than me. She's as human as me. She's already 70something(!!) but she still makes a lot of mistakes. 

Then i asked her about her job experiences. Idk why I didn't think she would already went through so many different jobs but she did. She told me her most favorite job would be working at a supermarket cus of how busy it is. And I was like oh yeah she's lowk insane from the start. 

But I start to imagine her when she's the same age as me. She didn't have the luxury of still being paid to go to school. When she's my age she would already be traversing the town and nearby cities for jobs and shit. Something somewhere in my heart hurts. I feel like such a useless piece of thing. Just wasting my parents' money only to sit on a class and play with my phone. Like a clueless idiot. And I have zero friends which means i don't got a chance at networking (which i already fucking hate). 

But I can't just get mad at myself when THEY'RE the one who chose to put me in this world for god knows why. THEY'RE the one who urges me to go through college and to not stress too much about getting a job yet. I start to really think, what's the point of me being their daughter? To make them... proud? But all I can do is survive. Get a job and survive, just like everyone else. 

Anyways, I'll always be stuck in a loop of love and hate towards my dearest mother, who made me the insecure little bitch i am, who's also the one who made sure I survive...? I know it's not really something to be *thankful* for, it's something to be *expected* since I wasn't the one consenting on being born. I don't know. Just the fact that she's a woman, she was once just like me, she still does make seemingly obvious mistakes, that I just can't hate her fully. She's never the perfect villain. She was, and hopefully, still a loving mother. But she's also the one who makes me doubt her. 

One thing for sure, if she's finally passed on, I wouldn't take it very well. I'll never be prepared. I can't even kill myself, i got my baby sister 10 yrs younger than me and I wouldn't want for her to be left alone. Life is so hard sometimes