It's been exactly a year since i last felt happiness.

I hope that one day i'll be able to forget this moment, as if it was insignificant : but since then, nothing in my life as been interesting, fun, pleasant enough to make me see this memory as anything else than an exceptional, one-time feeling that's now long passed . Ten days in a Netherlands trip, the weather was perfect, the birds were singing, the dying sun made the sky blush and i was here, just something among this scenery, on my back in a crappy tent that never allowed me to sleep decently, but made me feel so unforgettably alive. For the first and last time of my life, i was at the right place. 

Now none of that is left. Ive never felt so deeply alone. Everything during this year has been so dull, all of my hobbies have become chores. If i looked at those past 12 months with an external eye, i'd probably think everything is alright ; i got almost perfect grades, got amazing results in nation-wide competitions in my sport, improved at guitar and finally managed to gain some weight. But there's something so crushing about improving yourself with no one to notice it. I spend my days doing as much as i can to become the best version of myself, and i spend my nights wondering what am i doing this for.

 Ive been homeschooled for 10 years, never had an IRL friend. Never partied, never did stupid teenage things, never kissed, never enjoyed innocence. Strangely enough, i dont think about it that much except at one occasion : when i look past my window. No matter the weather, it seems like it's made to remind me of how alone i am. If it's raining or grey, all of my hope in life seems to be crushed by the boringness of that weather. When it's sunny, i cant bear the sight of people my age going out and having fun. thankfully im way too woke to hate on other people and turn redpilled, so i just hate myself instead. 

Now, i only talk to one single online friend. While theyre a great and supportive person, every time i talk to them i feel even lonelier. It's so stupid, but im incredibly jealous of anyone who has anything going on in their lives, so each time this online friend mentions anything about someone else, i just die a little because i just realize that i have no "someone else" . May it be a crush, an ex, a partner, a friend, i want a reason to keep going, i want a motivation, i want someone to fight for, and more importantly i want someone to be proud of me, to want me in their life in any way. If i didn't have my little sister to take care of, i'd probably be gone by now.

Sorry for the grammatical mistakes, english isnt my first language. Idk why did i write this because i know no one will read it and more importantly no one will reach out. But still, i felt the need to do it