Could I have done it better?

Ok, I suppose I only write and post things here when I can no longer keep them to myself.

There are only 5 days left until the most important exam of my life, as passing it will allow me to enter the university I want. I only resumed studying a month ago due to emotional problems I had, and I admit that all these days I have been studying nonstop since I have a lot to study. There are 10 subjects with a maximum of 17 units. I spend even more than 10 hours studying without stopping just to finally pass this time since I couldn't do it last year.

And well, as if the stress from this exam wasn't enough, now I feel guilty for rejecting someone who liked me, or still likes me, I don't know.

It all started in January, I think. I started talking to this guy and little by little I began to see him as a friend. It was fun because I was coming out of a breakup that even to this day still hurts a little to remember.

I tried to be consistent since, to be honest, I find it hard to do things like replying quickly. I’m a person who always spends time alone, I’ve gotten used to it, and I even enjoy my solitude, but even so, I knew I had to change not being present for so long.

Well, everything was going fine until on my birthday I got his message. To not make a long story, he confessed his feelings for me. I’m not going to lie, I had suspected it before and thought that maybe he could be a good option since we had some things in common and got along well. But well, he had to confess just on my birthday; it’s not that I complain, not entirely, it’s just that it seemed a little in poor taste as it’s supposed to be a day dedicated to my existence or something like that, besides, at that moment I was going to have a party that I didn’t want. Even so, I told him to give me time to think about it, he agreed, but only a day passed before he asked me again.

I told him it was too soon, this is when things get difficult. I told him that I wasn't rejecting him, but that as such he didn't know me nor did I know him. I suggested we get to know each other because I really had nothing against accepting his proposal, but I just wanted to have some kind of connection. He agreed again, and the days passed, but every time we talked, he was the one who talked the most about himself, and look, it doesn't bother me because what I wanted was to get to know him, and that’s fine, but he also didn't ask me questions beyond the basic question about how my day was. Because of this, I distanced myself because a part of me thought, and to this day I still do, that he only wants me because, as he said in his words, 'with me he could be himself,' and that’s fine, as long as they don’t want anything romantic with me because for me to feel comfortable in a relationship, I need to know that the person wants me for who I am, with all my flaws which, well, doesn’t mean I won’t work on fixing them, but you understand.

The point is that I have already been idealized several times, and I know that with him it is no exception, which is why at the time I rejected him. And mostly because I still felt emotionally unwell and knew that I wasn't ready to give what a relationship needs. But anyway, now I feel like the bad one because I feel that in part it's my fault, for that reason I distanced myself more from him, and because I have to study. Sometimes it does make me a little sad to see how we used to talk so much, but now I just limit myself to replying in a more curt way.

But anyway, don't give this too much importance, it's just a venting of something I have been carrying for months.