?ness

Sometimes it feels like everything I do is a distraction from something else. One may suggest that it is to distract myself from my thoughts, but as a matter of fact it feels like nothing is going on in my head, so I don't know what this could possibly be distracting me from. Now that I have no exams or anything.

And I wish I could stop myself from putting my thoughts into words and showing them off to the world; but if I don't then it feels like I'd stop having thoughts altogether. 

I wonder if this is because I don't have nearly as enough friends, or people to talk to, as other people typically do. But spending time with friends expends my energy; not spending time with them, uhhh, sometimes it fucks me up. I don't know what is going on. The world and the people around me don't reject me, it genuinely feels like I am closing myself off from opportunities for making new friends and strengthening connections, and I don't know why I'm doing it. Do people care? I have asked myself this question many times, but I rarely ask myself if I even care. It's odd, because I want to say that I do, but judging from my actions it reads like I don't care that much. Strange, I used to think of myself as a sort of extrovert. In fact I still do. But do I want friends? Sometimes I would jokingly tell myself that no I don't, I'm actually looking for audiences, if anyone at all. But there isn't much of a show going on.

To conclude I think I should really get off social media and try getting abs.