Rant Blog 3: Pride

   With Pride Month just starting, I've been thinking a lot about my identity, & how I'm perceived by other people. Even though this is the time where I'm supposed to be proudly expressing myself, but the truth is, I'm embarrassed, ashamed of who I am.

   I am Pangender, meaning I view myself as every gender; man, woman, nonbinary, & everything between. I like to be seen as everything & called masculine & feminine titles. I have been out since I was 14, & was questioning my identity since I was about 12. Everyone in my life has been super supportive, if a little confused, & most all of my friends are queer/trans aswell.

But I'm still ashamed.

   My identity is pretty well unheard of, I am aware of that. I don't know if It is classified as a xeno gender, but lately I have noticed that people, whether in the community or not, have negative opinions on them. A lot of them I do not understand myself, but I couldn't make myself care enough about what other people think of themselves as. If anything, it's hypocritical; where would I draw the line between them & myself? 

   My identity would fall under the trans umbrella, but frankly, I hate calling myself trans. I feel like I'm taking a spot from someone who actually is. I have done nothing to actually transition, medically or socially. I wear girls clothes, have long hair, do my makeup & nails, the works. I am aware appearance don't equal gender, but when I'm okay being called anything, it feels like I'm just a performative woman. Even if I were to transition, there is nothing to transition to. There is no biological equivalent to what I am. I am cursed to be forever unhappy with my body. The only image I can think of that would make me feel like I'm in between would make me feel uncomfortable anyways. I'd be seen as a freak by everybody. Anyone who isn't disgusted would be viewing me as their perfect fetish farm. I don't think I can live that way either.

  But out of all of it, I think the thing that gets me is having to explain what I am. Every time someone has uttered the words, "So, what are you anyways"? My face flushed. Having to uncomfortably explain what my title means, only for them to not get it anyways. I've resorted to just saying "I don't care, call me whatever", but that's only half true. I do care, but I'd rather suffer silently than be that exposed.

  Happy Pride month & happy Shame month to you all.