ix. Know Who You Are At Every Age

In honor of the start of Pride Month.

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I pretty much knew I was queer since I was young. When I was little, there were a lot of lesbians and gay men, so it wasn't seen as anything weird to be gay. I had a crush on a little gay boy when I was really young because we used to watch Bad Girls Club, and we could get into drag and dance around in his mom's heels, so maybe I am attracted to drag queens a lot more than I'd like to admit. 

Once I moved to suburbia, queerness was seen as a little more strange, so I was constantly picked on for it. I came out as bisexual when I was 12, and when I told my guardians, they cried and told me to go to my room. I really didn't like boys, but it's easier to admit that I like girls than to not be into boys. I remember one lesbian in particular (he is now a transman), but he was mostly liked by the other girls because he was a stud, and he was still really pretty. Another girl who wasn't conventionally attractive, and she was also bisexual (I haven't heard from her in years), was bullied relentlessly for being gay. And, of course, everyone liked the gay man. Token "gay best friend" and it was cool to have one, so of course everyone loved them. So I started seeing lesbians as weird, stuck-up, or uncool, so I strayed far away from being one.

Seeing how masc-presenting and gay men were treated in the society of my school, I started dressing masculine, developed a flamboyant personality, and completely changed my life around. Being both a lesbian and a gay man all at once.

I came out as a lesbian when I was a freshman in high school. Still keeping my gay man personality, people thought I was very odd, but not because I was a lesbian, but because I was just weird. Being seen as something other than my sexuality mattered so much to me because even though I knew I was a lesbian, actually being known as one made me so uncomfortable. 

This is also the time I was in my first lesbian relationship that was on and off for two years because I couldn't leave that girl alone. She hated me, and she made it so known that she did. She was my best friend, of course, but she did NOT like dating me at all. That relationship could be a story for another time. 

The lesbian heartbreak is what made me lose my mind the most. At this time, I was overseas, and we had the worst falling out as I started getting back into my drinking habits and starting my addiction to cigarettes. So she broke up with me, and I somehow ended up with a strange friends with benefits with my best friend at the time, who was a man. At this time, I still considered myself a lesbian because I really never liked him, and I always hated having sex with him. Every time he would call me, I had a strange fight or flight response, and before going out, I would have to smoke and drink a bit just to get over it. That time could also be a story for another time because I have so many diary entries from that time. 

During that strange period when my girlfriend of two years and I weren't dating, I had two situationships. One was a girl who really liked me; we were such close friends, and she sent me a message telling me how much she liked me, and at the same time, kind of hated me because I was really weird. When I rejected her, she got really mad at me and told all her friends, who were also my friends or had connections to my friends, that I was a porn addict (I was, but she didn't have to tell everyone that). 

While all that was happening, I had the biggest crush on another girl. We went to elementary school together and met again in high school. We got close really fast, going out together and going to each other's houses. It was a weird falling out (that should also be a story for another time), but that sent me on such a spiral, and I have so many notes from that time, too.  

My most recent relationship, I'd say, was when I felt most comfortable in my lesbian identity. He was really strict about lesbianism, so for a while, I was scared to come out to say I was genderfluid, but he was always very accepting of whatever I did, at least for the most part. Either way, that relationship is still in a weird state, so I'll continue to lose my mind over it until I relapse and get my hands on more alcohol. Or maybe I won't, I don't know. Stay tuned to find out. 

Anyways that's my experience with being queer! Not mentioning me getting kicked out of the house for being gay and an atheist. That's also a story for another day. 

Happy Pride to everyone!