qwertyuiop

Today, after two months, I went back to drinking soda, eating junk food, and gooning even more than before, and it didn't make me feel any better. Not in a "oh no, I relapsed, I'm a failure" kind of way, because I don't give a damn about that, but even with the most hedonistic things I do, I can't have a good time. Whether I try hard or just throw myself into a well, it's all the same, and that makes me really angry. Sometimes I see other people and I feel like they've had, have, and will have much more interesting, relevant, and happy lives because I am me and they are them. I can fantasize all day about a future where I have everything I've ever wanted, and even then, I can't imagine being truly happy. I don't see it in the future or the past because I think the only thing that has ever brightened me a little has been the crumbs of attention from friends who don't really care about me. They wouldn't be my friends if I weren't funny —obviously, idiot, people have to like you to be your friend— I get it, but I don't know. I would like... I don't know what I would like. I remember a couple of days ago, thinking in the early morning before sleep , I knew exactly how to put into words what I want, but now I can't quite put my finger on it. The closest I can come is that if I ever get cerebral palsy, I'd like to have a friend who would take care of me for a while. I don't have anyone like that, and it's also incredibly contradictory because I feel like nobody loves me the way I love them, and I wish someone would come along and find someone like that for me. But at the same time, I'm very apathetic and stupid and weird and awkward, and I don't want to look anyone in the face, and I don't want to talk beacuse i dont know how and becuase maybe it would be better if I lived completely isolated from the rest of society, and maybe it's better not to live at all. But life is beautiful, but I don't know if that beauty is for me too. And I also want to have fun before I go, like being old enough to drink, getting drunk every day, and running naked through the streets, or even better, having LSD on my tongue and seeing shapes like in the "Rest My Chemistry" video