dirty

the more the days pass by the more ive started to take steps about my hygiene. like showering more often even tho most days i cant find that in myself, changing my bedsheets earlier then whats considered normal, deep cleaning in my room even though thats something ive always found to be a burden, brushing my teeth, actually tending my scars, but none of it feels good at all. or rather, it feels like i need to do more. my body is covered head to toe in the dirt of sins. even if i shower every day, or if i started to shower multiple times during the day, they are imprinted there on my body. even if i scrub until my skin starts to bleed, the bacteria of those sins will get into the wounds and filthy what lies under my skin. at this point i might as well down bottles of detergent, but i think none of it will do anything. i cant change the past, and the feelings that cause me to sin are deeply imprinted in the depths of my soul, what makes me myself, and ive figured that is the problem. that my soul exists at all. as long as i exist so will the sins. ill keep cleaning further, ill take in the short relief of when the air and the water surrounding my body collide and give a feeling of freshness, deluding me that i can start anew. the wounds on my skin can keep a safe distance from the red line that causes me to fuck up the slightest things. i guess.