my lesbian experience

basically, like most queer people, i have a fat crush on my friend. lets call her emma. and ive been a lesbian for her for about... idk however long ago november was. she is so amazing, and she makes me feel seen. like.. UGHHH I HATE BEING GAY. we play on the same club team (our season just ended) and we got really close. ive had crushes on my teammates before, so this isnt news for me. but thats not even what ive been wanting to talk about. 

i knew i was never going to tell emma how i feel because it just felt pointless because if she didnt feel the same, i didnt want to ruin a friendship that i was grateful for. so that boat in my head sailed a long time ago but i still like her. 

emma is bisexual, thats one of the first things she told me. i remember that conversation like the back of my hand, because i remember being so happy. but, for majority of the season, i thought she had a crush on a guy named nick that goes to our school (hes older). that was one of the things that made me know she would never like me back. so that kind of broke my heart for like a month, but i got over it. and just recently she told me she doesnt like nick anymore, and that shes just wants to stay friends with him. I JUMPED FOR JOY even though i knew she still didnt like me. 

anyway, me and emma are in a trio friendship with a girl named jayla. jayla is the straightest girl youve ever met. she always asks me if i have a crush on emma and vis versa. she also thinks that were in a secret relationship and is always teasing us. i always though that she was trying to out me, or that i was heavenly cooked. so every time jayla asked that, i would get so anxious. but i never expected wjhat i found out today. 

JAYLA HAS A CRUSH ON EMMA. this was her first ever sapphic awakening and oml it makes sense now. my friend, liya, told me whose also on the team because the season was ending and it wasnt like we were going to see eachother as often anymore. when liya told me this, my face dropped. i wanted to tell her so badly in that moment that ive liked emma for so long, but i had to play it cool. 

at first i was kind of upset that jayla didnt tell me, since me and jayla are so much closer than her and liya. but liya told me that one of the reasons she didnt confess to emma is bc she thought, like i said, we had a thing. which we didnt. i feel bad for her, but i also dont. i dont know if i should talk to her about it (liya told me not to), tell her i like emma, or just help her talk to emma about it. i just want to melt inot a puddle and cry. 

i dont know how to feel right now. i feel.. grossed out. by myself, mainly. and just confused and shocked by the jayla stuff. she likes emma. she likes the girl i like. this girl thats way prettier, way nicer than me, likes the girl ive been wanting for.. so long. 

its almost jealousy. but i dont want to be jealous because i know its a gone case. im just so upset and tired. im tired of liking all these people i know wont like me back. maybe its my fault since i never confess, and im the problem. but i dont understand how you can put yourself out there like that. i dont want to lose either of thm; emma and jayla. theyre my friends. but whenever i see emma, i just want to her see me the way i see her. i want to hug her and kiss her and give her everything she wants. but i know what she wants isnt me, that im probably the furthest from it. 

anyway, i neede dto really get that out of my system wow. thats for reading about my chaotic.. almost love triangle. what do you call it when its two people liking the same person? idk. 

k bye