i fucked up

no pretty layout this time 

i thought that my life couldn't get worse but it did. i don't really know what's wrong with me. i lost 3 friends alone this month. the first two, it was honestly my fault, and i didn't really like the first one, but i still shouldn't have done what i did, and i want to show the second one i can change. 

basically, i was caught talking behind the first one's back and although she's a hypocrite bc she literally did the same thing that she confronted me about the very next day to the second girl it still wasn't right to do, and she just did it to fuel more fire. she's the biggest shit talker in the whole world, she just hasn't been caught or confronted for it, so it makes me angry when she called me a liar about the things i said, even though what i really said wasn't shit talking, it was just wondering with anger? and yes, i should have just confronted her about it, but honestly, i'm afraid of her. you do one thing to piss her off and she will talk like no tomorrow, and everyone will outcast you. i've seen it happen. she thinks she is always right, but she is just as immature. you can't be the bigger person while doing the same thing you confronted me about even if you think it is justified because i did it.

the second girl, she learned that i said something about her and her sister like a year ago a day after the first girl confronted me, and i still shouldnt have said it and wouldnt even dream of saying that about her now and i apologized. she forgave me for what i said about her, but not her sister, and told me that i was one of the reasons why she left the school and that i bullied her for no reason. i never knew this, and it's horrible that i did this. i've been bullied, i still get bullied, but i can't believe that i couldn't recognize what i was doing was bullying. her sister has done a lot of odd stuff over the years and has talked bad about me behind my back, but i should've confronted her about it instead of talking about it. she's done a lot of things to hurt me, so i just justified it with that, but i shouldn't have done it. i didn't expect her to forgive me because she will always choose her blood over a friend, because that is someone she would give up her life for. i understand she has problems, but you can't excuse her bad behavior because of it. still, i just shouldn't have done it anyway.

i don't lie, and I don't do anything for no reason, but i still did the things i did and now i know i shouldn't have. obviously, because everything is catching up to me my actions, i'm going to feel very guilty, and i should have this hang over my head for the rest of my life. however, it's still hard for me to try and feel even more guilty for what i've done, because i am still hearing about horrible things that her sister did even recently that wasn't even mentioned. how can you expect me to believe that she is innocent and hasn't done anything wrong if i'm still hearing bad about her? and i know it is true because no one would lie about this. i don't gain anything for lying. no one gains anything from lying. there's no reason to. everyone knows about her behavior in the past, and it is still showing in the future. 

also, the 2nd girl's message to me, when she said i'm bullying her sister for no reason, she said "bullying an autistic person for no reason," and "she's been nothing but nice to you," and that i've been saying untrue/lying about her i was kind of frustrated about this. i understand that she will always defend her sister no matter what, but these statements are just frustrating me. first, i didn't know she was autistic and it's probably a recent diagnosis, but even if i knew much before she was, i would have still talked about her regardless. some of her minimal social cues can be excused, but her bad behavior cannot. she is highly intelligent, and i'm assuming she is high functioning because she is capable of doing many things without support. she is aware of her actions most of the time, and even when she is confronted she has still repeated the behavior that she was confronted for. i don't want the 2nd girl to fall into this belief that because her sister is autistic she is therefore excused for everything, because it just reinforces the stereotype that autistic people can't do anything, and someone ago i think her sister said something about me in middle school that i was babying her but she never even talked to me about it at all. if the sister is going to support this behavior from the 2nd girl, then she is a hypocrite for wanting to be babied. i understand that autism is a spectrum, and everyone operates differently, but i have known her since middle school and know that she knows what she is doing a lot of the time. i have an autistic sister, and i hold her up to the same standard as everyone else and she does the same for me. if we fuck up, we take accountability. we both are aware of our actions a lot of the times. second, her sister hasn't been nothing but nice to me. maybe recent brief interactions i had with her were nice, but since middle school she has talked behind my back, saying im mean and not only doing that but continuously interacting with my ex even though she knew how much he hurt me is fucked up and not only did she keep bringing him up to me randomly even though i told her it was weird she talked behind my back again saying how she feels bad for him and that i'm mean still. i honestly thought i was nice to her up until the whole thing with my ex, and i wish she talked to me about it. even my last conversation with her before she left the school was weird, where she was talking about finding cp on tikTok and proceeding to tell me and my other friend how to find it which was just really weird and not okay. that was one of the things i talked about behind her back i guess when she left the school. finally, the 2nd girl said that i say untrue stuff about her, which is just a lie. i have no reason to lie about her at all and it may sound unbelievable but she has done all those odd behaviors that i have been told by the first girl (again a hypocrite) or i have heard/witnessed myself. so everything that i told is true to what i know. still, overall, it just wasn't okay for me to talk bad about her behind her back, especially when she couldn't defend herself because she left school because of me.

i'm not the victim. i'm the perpetrator. i don't expect any of these people to hear from my perspective because at the end of the day i have hurt them and the people they love. it is just frustrating when they do not recognize their own faults and own up to it, and show that they can genuinely change. i am also at fault, i want to change, and i will. but these people had years to, and they haven't because no one makes them take accountability.

the third person which was online they just unfriended me on everything and i don't know why because the day they did i talked to them the day before and everything was fine so i just don't know at all what i did wrong.

anyway, i've been feeling guilty about everything. how to make everything right, how to own up and show i can change. i don't want people to hate me, and its selfish that i think that. even though i did what i did, i still care about her sister because i'm aware of her problems. it doesn't make her behavior okay, but i don't want my actions to cause her to deteriorate.

i've been up every night just wondering how to fix everything. i'm up right now past midnight writing this, someone to point out my wrongs. how did i make it right? just earlier i searched up how to make friends because i've never been so alone. i would talk to my online friend nearly every day and night and now they are gone and i felt like i was so dependent on them for interaction that now i can't go a night without crying because i realized how alone i am and it's all my fault. 

i'm a bully, i deserve to feel like this. i have hurt others so much more. what do i do to prove to those i've hurt that i can be better?

also, sorry that this is a whole jumble of a mess. i've talked to so many people about it, and i still don't feel content with how the situation ended. i need to be better.