premolars

maybe you're asleep, maybe you aren't. you could be ignoring messages or having a hard time. i don't know. maybe i never will. you don't let anyone close enough and the last few days i slowed myself from trying. i miss last summer, we were all together. the sun is doing wonders though. the water reminds me you're never the same even if you stand your ground. graduation was surreal, walking down hallways that shrunk, seeing teachers who hid their wrinkles last time we were there, the hallowed diploma, but i still feel like it's a school night. the world is gaining contrast again. but i am afraid i won't stomach the highs and lows. you come home and laughter rings in your ears, but you're in front of the screen again. focusing. blurring. i'm sorry for being distant. the things i've been saying make me sick.

i don't know if i'm in love or savoring the attention. he jogged my memory, "a hug is really like a kiss," i guess i forgot more than i was comfortable losing. driving home i only felt capable of loving the pinks and oranges painting the sky, to hold another soul would be reaching above those heavens; i would pray again for the first time in a while. self-centered, syn. heliocentric. it's so quiet in the house. im in the middle of the season i longed for and naturally i complain, complain of sunburn, metaphorical hangovers, missing everyone.

what should i make of it? i'm alright looking in your eyes now. you're taking up my thoughts but they might be ideal selves, ideal bodies tangled in ideal beds. do i even ask if we'll go further? i should let it play out. but i believe whatever happens, i'm going to fall too hard. in case nobody has been keeping score, the odds are undeniable. it's an incredible, fortunate situation to be hitting myself over and over the head for. what a blessing to be loved, but how long can you love someone so anxious? if you helped me calm down i'd be head over heels. you're so wonderful. i'm probably misconstruing everything. in the back of the car, among the crickets, braided hair, quiet wishes

signing off,

midwestsmoker