being 16 means descending into madness (vent)

for the longest time, 

i've felt out of place. honestly, i can't even remember the last time i felt i actually belonged. and it's strange, to say something so isolating. i've been surrounded by people my whole life, been in multiple friend groups, never once needed to spend a day completely alone, and yet that feeling still lingers. that feeling- deep down, that i'm not where i'm supposed to be. even while surrounded by friends, family, loved ones in general, i've always felt outcasted, different from them. and i've began to resent them all, for partially causing this feeling that's grown over the years. i can't help but hate them for neglecting me.

it's been especially prevalent this year. unless i'm having a one-on-one conversation, even with one more person to a conversation, i'm banished off to the quiet corner. and it's a bitter feeling. i've always tried to include people because i know what it feels like to be so alone, but i've never had that same effort returned to me. i can't help but wonder if i've done something wrong. i've lost so many friends too, even had my reputation tainted for something that people knew i wouldn't do. people think i'm a bad person, a homewrecker, for hanging out with a friend at mcdonald's, just because he has a girlfriend. it's fucking mcdonald's... are we serious? 

but anyway, yeah. some emotional stuff got in the way too, got into some arguments with some friends, ended up never speaking to some of them again. i find it weird though. i was the "victim" of all these things that happened, but i don't understand how that's remotely even possible. most of it was just being misunderstood, neglected basically. i always had to apologize. it was always "i'm sorry for reacting this way. i know i shouldn't have." but i just wish that i got to hear that for myself, at least once, at least from somebody, anybody. i just want someone to acknowledge how i feel, instead of making me apologize for reacting the way i did when they hurt me. i know i'm capable of being wrong, that's why i still apologize. i just want one too. especially from those i've suffered real abuse from.

so my social life isn't as good, what of it? my mind is my biggest issue here. thinking about my emotional fallout with majority of my friends, the reason seems a bit more obvious when i recently got in touch with some medical professionals. so now adhd, depression, anxiety, and bpd is on the table. what the fuck? i know those disorders don't excuse any actions or behaviours, but i guess it helps with understanding myself... if or when i get an actual diagnosis. i don't know about the others, but i know i actually have adhd. 

so now i'm genuinely going crazy. i've lost so much. i don't know how much more of it i can take before i end up spiraling into an unforgivable hole. i don't want to hurt anybody though. not myself, not others. i hope one day, i'll see happiness again, and hopefully be granted some mercy.

cheers for being 16. can't wait for next year, and the year after, and the year after that.