lowkeyyyyy may b questioning some things about my religion gulpppp

so like im christian ive been christian since i was like 3 or whatever but atm ive kinda been wondering if i might not b bc a LOTTTT of christians r super evil and its getting harder to believe that theres a god with all this shit happening in the world rn

i feel like i wanna stay christian bc i know the bible was probably translated by a bunch of cis straight homophobic and racist white men and that it has a good overall message like love thy neighbor and all that stuff and i want people to know that not all christians r evil and maga or whatever bc christianity is supposed to b nondiscriminatory!!! why would god make people of colour and queer people if he wanted them out of his religion???? 

idk man i like god and jesus and stuff im sure theyre cool people but like help us out maybe??? and tell all ur crazy cult-like followers to calm down and stop murdering people for being different?????

im also very spiritual and stuff (not anti doctor or science or whatever dw im vaccinated and i believe in evolution) and i like to believe theres an afterlife bc i have had those kind of encounters b4 

also all the people ive been seeing saying "ik that theres wars and stuff but look at my pre-sliced orange that means god made orange 🥺🥺🥺" r pissing me off like fucking idiot thats a mandarin but idrk what to add to that bc i want to believe in god but its getting harder to do so atm and thats kinda a bummer bc ive been so sure for like most of my life and i have seen things that suggest an afterlife i want there to b an afterlife and to have hope that things wont just end when i die 

i also feel like im a traitorous outlier in both christianity and the lgbtq+ community and that im seen as both a disgusting queer sinner whos going to hell and an evil homophobe whos gonna scream the gospel at the top of my lungs until everyone repents for their sinful ways of living or whatever but im not guys why cant i be both and not be stoned to death in the streets IM NOT EVIL PLSSS IM GAY I LOVE GAY PEOPLE I LOVE THEM ALL AND GOD HAS NO PROBLEM WITH THAT HE LOVES THEM ALL TOO THATS HIS WHOLE DEAL!!!!

id like to have answers to this stuff bc i dont wanna fear death more than i already do and i dont want everything to b for nothing lowkey!!!!

ok sorry for being a bit of a downer i just wanted to rant about this bc im very very conflicted 😳😳 

fuckkk i could go for a mandarin rn