:(((

i had a horrible day at work today :( usually sundays are the easiest days because i only work 11:45am-5pm on sundays when i generally work a 9-5 or a 10-6 but for some reason today was just awful.

i woke up and i didnt even want to get out of bed at first, i was barely even able to sleep in. i woke up at 9 at i just laid there. i just played on my phone and stared up at the ceiling. if i wasn't the only tech working today, i probably would've called out. it was so rainy and cold today, i really like days like that, it's the best time to sleep in. i haven't showered in a couple of days and my scrubs smell like an old closet. i felt really gross getting ready for work this morning.

my mom and my dad got me coffee, which was pretty much the only good part of my day today. the caffeine fed into my nausea all day though, so i felt like i couldn't eat anything. when i did get to work though, everything was pretty much normal. i got all the rooms prepped and i waited for my first patient of the day. except my patient was returning for the third time and i felt really bad. and to make matters worse, her prescription got fucked up and the doctor took it out on me. i felt really bad and this patient, who has been nothing but nice to me, got pretty irritated at me. i don't blame her, but what can i even do? i had to reorder her correct prescription and i was trying so hard not to cry in front of my coworkers.

during my 15, since i generally dont like taking lunch breaks, i go outside to smoke a cigarette. today it was raining though so i just chilled in the back and waited for the rain to clear. when i went outside, i saw my ex and my best friend together- well, i guess ex best friend. i've known for a while that they've been together but i've never actually *seen* them together. so i guess today was just a slap in the face. i felt so nauseated that i threw up in my mouth a little. i've never felt so instantly dizzy i can hardly remember the moment. after they left, i still went outside and stood under the building to smoke since it was still raining pretty hard lol.

i called my boyfriend during my 15 to tell him what just happened but it kinda felt like he wasn't really listening. he was just saying mhm and yeah to everything i was saying and i just felt really shitty. we had been fighting since this morning too, so it was just like salt in the wound. it just felt like everything that could've possibly gone wrong went wrong- especially with my patients.

i feel like i've only gotten worse since i got home. i'm not a very jealous person and i encourage my boyfriend to hang out with his friends- not limiting other women. but when i wanted to relax with my friends today and just play a stupid game this girl i don't even know joined and my boyfriend and her got along really well and everyone was saying that they were just like each other and a bunch of other stuff i don't really remember. all i do remember though is just feeling sick. i just lied to everyone and said i went to go eat when in reality i was just trying not to throw up. 

i feel disgusting today. even more so because i haven't showered, my room is a mess, my bathroom is a mess, i'm wearing last night's make-up, my hair is greasy and unkempt, and i've been gaining weight so i just feel super bloated all the time and disgusting.

and on top of that!!!!!!!!!!! i have 1 1/2 cigarettes left :( (i only smoked half a cigarette because i'm scraping by lol)

i hope tomorrow is better. i don't have work so i can spend all day just cleaning my room and taking care of myself. today just can't be over sooner.