Always in the same loop

It's always the same things I tell, in different fonts. Even I am getting tired of my repeating thoughts and the endless paragraphs. When will it end? I still feel trapped, right now maybe even more than ever. Everyone sees that weird, unbothered side of me. But that side of me can't be further away from the things I actually feel right now. It's like my own coping mechanism, ignoring problems and pretending like I don't f**king care about whatever happens to me. "We only live once" right? That should be motivation, but for me it's just a reminder that this is my only chance not to f*ck everything up. Writing is like the only thing right now that can help me stay sane, I fear. Without writing and music, I would be completely lost with my feelings. Even if it's only 1% I can express while the rest rots inside of me...that 1% I'm able to let out is the reason I'm alive. I still feel like there is hope, I'm so f**king young. Everything seems so heavy and it feels like the whole reality I'm currently living in can end anytime. But I still hope. Hope that I'll get my sh*t together.