My ED is getting a lot worse

Recently i started showing small signs of "mild anorexia" such as fasting, guilt after eating, eating less and more. I lost some weight of course and i went from 45kg to 42kg in three months. Recently ive been eating more which is good right? No. Instead of eating healthily and guilt free ive been binging and restricting. Yesterday i ate 800kcals and today i ate 2000+kcals, which of course isnt healthy. And after those binges i often over-exercised and/or purged. Ive also felt a pull to laxatives but i try to avoid them for my own well being. I really want to be thin because i just want to feel happy in my own skin but i just cant keep feeling this guilt and cycle. I dont know what to do because i really dont want to recover. Its either my well-being or being happy in my body which probably ownt happen soon unfortunately.