I don’t know what’s wrong with me

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. When I was younger, I was kind of desperate to talk to people. I was pretty lonely because I never talk to. My brother, I don’t think I’ve ever talked to my brother until high school. He’s younger than me right away, but I don’t think I have actually ever had a conversation with her. I was bullied in elementary and then I moved to a different school which made me lose all my friends and I ended up having no friends until middle school and that’s when I depress that I met to a different school I bet my best friend the thing is I was always so desperate. 

Someone texted me. I would respond right away like I was literally chasing her in a way not literally but you know like the minute she texted me I would respond right away and she would take 10 to 20 minutes just to find the respond to me or something like that and then throughout I don’t know a year or two you realize that I seem desperate and I want her attention and then I started like trying to teach myself not to respond to people so fast and because of that I started losing motivation when it comes to texting her, but the crazy thing is, I feel like I’m still desperate for her. 

She text me every day because of that I got used to her and I kind of became a little attached to her. I don’t really do much the talking, but she usually just talks about what happened today and all that stuffand when I don’t get a text message from her I get scared I start to panic and all that stuff and I like sit there waiting for her text message because I’m not the type of person who texted first, but I texted her first and there was one day where she hasn’t texted me in five days. I was like on panic mode like I was like stressing out so much but then she finally texted me and I felt better.Also, recently she didn’t text from her for a whole day. I even started crying. I was getting stressed out. 

I really went to people, but she’s the only exception and I remember a few few times I had vented to her and telling her how I’m scared and I told her I’m scared of her leaving me and I was literally crying, but I was texting so she doesn’t know I was crying, but I was like telling her “you promised don’t leave me” like I sound like I’m really clingy and I was possessive or something I don’t knowbut I don’t want her to relieve me. My biggest fear is her leaving me. I don’t want her to relieve me just thinking about it makes me tear up. I sound like I’m not mentally sanebut I don’t know what to do. I love her too much to ever let her go. I mind you. I don’t feel like this with anyone else. She’s the only one so far because I became so attached with her throughout the five years with her, there was just things so she said to me and I just made me fall in love with her.

When she had really bad mental health, she would tell me that she would lock me up in her basement than hers and she said all of this stuff and a lot more and I became like so attracted to her like she sounded so possessive and made it seem like I was hers and I was the only thing that she would think about, but she stopped talking about stuff like that and started liking someone else and she never came in their attention again and that’s why I’m afraid of losing her because she stopped showing me that she really wants me and now she’s like thinking about dating other people because of that I’m just scared that she will leave me.

To be honest, I’m just trying to find someone who will give me the same intention she used to do. I want to meet someone who I feel with and they show me that I love and care about me so much. They wanna lock me up in the basement, how I am theirs, how much they love me.