As I decorate my mother's grave

As I decorate my mother’s grave I am selfish, I suck up air and capture it, I breathe not to continue my basic functions but to taste the moment and hold it so i’ll always feel it 

As I decorate my mother’s grave I run my fingers along the jagged edges of granite and trace her name on my finger tips 

As I decorate my mother’s grave I narrate all my movements to her so maybe she will be able to visualize me there so i dont have to talk

As I decorate my mother’s grave my hands curl in the grass with small pops as i pull from the ground, taking what is not owed to me

As I decorate my mother’s grave I bend like the blades of grass under my knees but I do not return to nature

As I decorate my mother’s grave I am tense, this is the closest i’ve gotten to her without fear 

As I decorate my mother’s grave i’m reminded that my mother’s grave is not yet dug 

As I decorate my mother’s grave I exhale and come to peace with putting her to rest