O^O

I'm getting an autism assessment done on Feb 15, which I am nervous for and also excited. I've been researching autism for a few months, I went ahead and asked my psychologist for her opinion on the matter. She gave me a resource that we could call so I could get assessed. So it's been a long time comin. My biggest fear with this is that, what if I'm just making it up? What if it was me reading too much into it? 

I'm terrified of maybe, possibly finding out that I'm fine. Why? Because I wouldn't know what to do with myself. All of these hinderances and it was all under my control? I would freak out. I'm also terrified of my suspicions being confirmed but my family not caring, of no one caring. After all, the reason I wish to figure this out is so I can navigate life better in a way that doesn't make me have to adhere to the neurotypical standard. Y'know, go at my own pace. 

I have a constant war of knowing that self diagnosis is valid in most cases and also thinking that I'm doing it for attention. I feel as if though I did all the research I could. (Currently trying to find  books on it.) Then again I also feel like I didn't do enough. I went through articles, books written by autistic people, read the DSM-5, watched countless videos on the subject and from people who have autism. I found tests, they are a bit outdated, but they were used for actual diagnosis not too long ago. I scored higher than expected, I kept self-evaluating, and now that I'm getting the chance to confirm or deny my suspicions, I am terrified. 

Putting my fear aside, it also gives me a great deal of relief. I am lucky enough to get this assessment and I am so happy that after so long, I can figure myself out. So I'll probably give an update the day of or the days leading up to it so I can get out all of my feelings beforehand.

(btw why the hell did my mom pick to go at 9am? dammit)