the brain numbs the heart

05.13.26

i don’t know how else to describe it. whenever something bad happens, or whenever i begin to do something i know will have negative consequences and affect those around me; i can’t care enough. it descends into a situation where i’m stuck, trapped in the misery of my own doings, yet i don’t put any efforts to ‘fix’ it whatsoever. i isolate myself, i have no energy to talk to those who are worried due to my absence. even though, everyday i’m told that i’m the only one they have, how much they miss me, asking me if i feel the same. they’re good people, i’ve spent a good time with them, but the truth is that i really can’t feel anything. does that make me a bad person? i don’t know if i actually care for them and love them, even though i know i do, but i can’t feel it. days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months; i’m content being by myself. 

why does my absence bother people? 

it’s like a blessing and a curse simultaneously, my brain automatically seeks distractions to protect me from what has the potential to hurt me. i can’t do anything about it. i’ll avoid it and run from it as far as i can. will it ever stop?